The Box

was going through some old stuff just now...looking for my old affirmation booklet from my prefects camp bk in form 6....its been a day of nostalgia for me...spent d day at school catching up with my teachers then at nite met 2 old frens whom i havent seen in a really long time...

so yeah...bk to where i was....was looking for my old affirmation booklet from the prefects camp...

thats when i came across something else...

in the search of my memories of old, i found other remnants and other memories...

i opened the box...the booklet was at d top...i took it out...n then looked bk...

the hand towel i borrowed once long ago...it still had her smell...

the pizza hut mix n match leaflet....with a smiley face drawn into it and a note at the bottom...

i should have stopped....

the picture frame with a picture of us jst before the school drama...both smiling happily...the boy in dat picture bears no resemblance to the person staring at it now...2 completely different people...

the four and a half jars of different coloured little folded pieces of paper...

i reached for it...

n then pulled bk....the wounds were already threatening to re-open....

so i quickly closed the box...n pushed it away...bk into its hiding place where it could tempt n hurt me no more...

will i ever be able to look at d contents of dat box again?will i be able to stay steady?do i even want stay steady?do i even want to look at d contents again?

god alone noes...

for now i shall focus on the affirmation booklet...n bury those forbidden thoughts deep into d abyss at the back of my mind...

A Cynic

i woke up yesterday n realized that its exactly what i've become...

a cynic....no more n no less...

after all d failed attempt n failed relationships...after all the shit i see happening around me....i've come to believe that there is no love....there is no happily ever after....no romance....no chivalry...nothing...

well....in my case anyway....

n if anyone comes up to me and says "there is sum1 out there for all us..." i'm going to tell them "yes...there is sum1 for all of us out there...jst sum of those 'sum1's have moved on from this world before their other half could meet them...

love is a chemical reaction in ur brain....its jst an imagination...a hope...something to keep u thinking happy thoughts....its like a drug...n most people are addicted to it....don't believe me?

what happens to a junkie when u take away his drugs?

he gets angry...he gets upset....slowly he slips into depression and insanity....he hurts himself or others physically to divert his attention n restlessness....

sound familiar?

love is a drug....probably the most evil drug ever to exist among humans...simply because its the one drug that every single human being gets addicted to...whether they like it or not...

except the cynics....who have been through d roller coaster ride soo many times n been hurt so many n have hurt soo many times that finally put all their will n might into kicking the addiction...cz they no longer believe the drug works...or more like they no longer believe the happiness they get during the high is worth the pain n suffering they have to endure when its taken away from them...

so im joining their ranks...

there is only so much u can fight....only so much u can put your heart out there for.....it just doesnt seem like its worth it anymore...

"if u take yourself out of the game,at least you don't have to worry about getting your heart hurt or broken." - 'what happens in vegas'

The Journey

it started with a small meeting of seemingly random ppl and personalities...1 small fateful mmsg that led to a meaningful mamak session...full of hope...the birth of a "dream team"...this was more than a year ago...

then there was elections...n the uncertainty of the outcome...a sleepover at an apartment...all cracking their heads and helping each other out get ready for the next days interviews...all waiting for him to gv us sum good news..

he walked through the apt door wet...or at least we knew he had been soaked cz he changed his tshirt...it was a good sign..the leader had passed

the interviews came and went...we all passed...

the dream team had become a reality...not jst mere mamak table discussion...

then came planning....in the midst of exams...

exams ended with a booze party...which was d nite before we became the interviewers for the ppl that were to work with us...stoned...wired on all the things that cud keep us awake...we made it through...with loads of laughter...

the bond was growing stronger...

the team was expanded to those that would join us in our journey...a bonding session at a home...

then came a fair...n wrapping roses at a house...again...laughter and good times...the bond kept growing stronger...

then a camp...a camp with drama...the 1st test.....

the bond was shaky but still strong...the roles of each was decided...

then another camp...with a lot of tears...and the group was strongly bonded....all ready to face the coming year...

but not without its own drama that threatened the bonds between...

the 1st blow...1 left our ranks...

more planning...looong loooooooooong nights extending for almost 2 weeks...our 1st fall...

but the bonding in the 2 weeks was stronger...so we survived...

things went well...

then another left our ranks...

then another....

and another....

and 2 more....

crippled...but we crawled on....things were getting shaky...

another drama....things were staring to fall apart...

a weekend retreat...a glimmer of hope...we mite still make it through...

another camp...revived hopes....recharged....the half way mark...."only 6 months to go"..

why the change in mentality?

we came bk....looking forward...an jst when we thought we could do it with the ppl that helped us make the decisions...

another left our ranks...

then a booze party that spelt good news for some...but not so good news for the dream team...

things jst weren't the same...

ppl kept silent for many months now....wut happened to the openness from the first fall?

disrespect...

and 1 called for a break...

then another...

the 1st came bk...to finish the job...

the 2nd came bk...but not quite...

then the new team that would replace us was selected...

and after a long transition....they are in power...

our journey has ended...

the dream team has had its run...

wut happens now as they stand at the crossroads...

will there be meet ups and drinks and laughter again?

something tells me its not so ideal a happy ending for this dream team...

MAFU

yes...its been a really long time since i blogged cause i've been busy with exams and my internship...came across this in facebook....it struck a cord in me...i've linked them at the side here...placed even before my picture n profile which has always been 1st in my blog side bar...

here is a bigger version of the link and the video...

u noe why it struck a cord with me?

simple...

i was BORN in malaysia
i was RAISED in malaysia
i have traveled across the world
but malaysia will always be my HOME

I AM A MALAYSIAN

i m not an indian or a melayu or a chinese.

no other country in the world can be my home...no other country in the world i would die for...

yes...we're a young and imperfect nation compared to the other superpowers in the world...

but we ARE a NATION nonetheless.

Just a Thought

"When the whole world is against you,
when all your enemies are coming down on you,

and you find yourself backed up against the wall,
and you find you have buckled,
and you find yourself on your knees,

just remember one thing,

you are in the perfect position to PRAY,
you are in the perfect position to SPEAK TO GOD,

and remember that GOD answers ALL prayers,
just not always in the way we expect it"

-Unknown

"If you ask God for courage,
does he give you courage?

or an opportunity to be courageous?"

-Morgan Freeman in Evan Almighty

just a few thoughts :D

Religion

disclaimer : again...these are my views...u do not have to agree with them n if u post nasty comments i don't have to approve them...so be nice...if u hv nth nice to say, dont say nething at all..


religion...its such a precarious subject...so fragile...so sensitive...its the only thing in d world dat people will actually kill for...nothing in the world can divide human beings in a more clear cut n serious manner...not even racial ethnicities or gender for that matter...

religion divides human beings while spirituality unites them.

bold statement i noe...but its a fact...lets take a look at how religion divides human beings...1stly the world is divided into mainly the eastern n the western religions...the eastern religions have many deities and gods...theses include hindhuism, buddhism, the japanese believe structure (not sure wut its called...n no,its not bushido, dats a code of ethics so to speak)...then u have sikhism which believes there is only 1 true god...which is d same as the believe of the modern western religions whose followers are known as people of the book...the jews,the muslims and the christians....

lets jst for arguments sake bring in the ancient western religions as well...the greek and roman gods....the egyptian believe structure...the whole lot...now the biggest bone of contention is this :

"the old religions say there are many gods but the newer religions say there is only 1"

lets take a short look at the older religions statement...wut makes a god?to them (both ancient western and eastern religions), a god is sum1 who is immortal...who has special abilities that can affect the world and the people living in it...so they say there are many gods based on this definition...but even among their gods, there is always 1 that stands higher above the rest...the so called king of the gods...like zues for example...

now lets review the newer religions statement...there is only one god...one who created the heavens n the earth n hell n everything in between...but...he (for the context of this entry, god is a he..but a black he :P) had help creating n running the world....ok mayb not creating...but definitely running...wut do u think angels are there for?

now wut are angels in the new religions?

immortals who live forever with special abilities that can affect the world and the people living in it...each given powers by god to do certain tasks...

think of hades, the god of the underworld, and lucifer,the fallen angel that rules over hell...is there really that big a difference?thats jst one example...but u do see where im heading rite?

bingo...the many deities and gods of the olden religions merely got their ranks reclassified when they moved into the new religions...kinda like calling a data entry clerk a manager of information systems...jst a different name but the job scope n everything is the same...

now if u really look at the religions...old and new...they all speak a similar msg...yes the language and wordings are slightly different (n its these small differences that people kill each other over) but the message is the same...n that is how to live ur life as a good decent human being...n wut will happen should u choose to be a horrible excuse for a human being...kinda like a guideline...like a guidebook to life...

so now u have all the religions fighting each other for supreme control...the muslims say that u must be muslim to go to heaven...the christians say that christ is d only way to heaven...the jews im not so sure...the hindhus, buddhists, sikhs and the rest r just sitting there quietly...we dont care if u join our believe...jst dun force us to join urs...n mind u...u cant convert into a sikh...cz if u read the Guru Granth Sahib it clearly states that u r not to change ur religion...that if god put u on earth as a christian,muslim,sikh etc....then that is exactly wut he meant u to be...

now before u go out there n kill for ur religion that u believe to be completely and undeniably the one only truth...here a small fact to ponder upon...

u r fully aware that god kept sending down people to deliver the msg he wanted to humans rite?there was abraham,moses,jesus,muahamad,buddha,dalai lama,guru nanak till guru gobind...thats a lot of people he sent down...u noe y?

BECAUSE PEOPLE KEPT FUCKING THE MESSAGE UP!!!

bingo!!!god spoke...but god didnt write...humans did that...n we all noe how communication works...sum idiot along the line who thinks wut he is hearing doesnt sound rite will edit it to make it sound rite and then pass it along...n the process continues throughout the entire production line...

i been writing a lot havent i?well...jst one last short story i came across while i was studying german literature in switzerland....this is a translated and shortened version...but i've tried to maintain as much of the message as i could...

so there was this wise christian named alexander the wise (literal translation from alexander der wiess)...he was called to entertain the sultan in the province he was traveling in one day...the sultan obviously being a muslim...so he went...n the sultan asked him "whose religion is better?urs or mine?"

now alex (im too lazy to type out the full name) knew that if he said it was his religion,the sultan would be offended n it mite not bode well for him...n also knew if he sed that the sultans religion was better, the sultan would ask him to convert n he would not be able to say no after agreeing that islam is better than christianity...so he replied the sultan with a story of a family...the story goes smth like this..

there was once a man who owned a gold ring...it was a flawless gold ring like no other...when he passed away he gave it to his only son...his son kept it till the day he died and gave it to his only son in turn....n this succession continued for many generations...until one father had 3 sons...

now the father loved all 3 sons equally...n he cud not decide which of the 3 sons to gv the ring to...so he went to gold smith and asked the gold smith to create 2 identical rings so that there would be 3 in total and all his sons could get one...n it worked...the father passed away n all 3 sons got a ring...

soon the sons found out what the father had done...they were angry and they fought each other because all of them believed that they had the real original ring that had been passed down from generation to generation...so they finally went to a gold smith to find out which was the real ring...but the gold smith could not tell them apart...so they went to another gold smith n even he could not tell them apart...

no one..not the brothers themselves nor any gold smith or person could tell the 3 rings apart...but the brothers were obsessed about being the holder of the true ring, or what they believed to be the true ring, that they continued to fight and bicker and in the end they ended up dying at each others hands...bitter n angry....

none of them could see that what their father was really trying to tell them by doing that was that he loved them all equally and that they should love each other and their children all equally...the message was misread and it ended in catastrophe and tragedy...

the father was god and the rings were the religions....

The Dawn Of A New Era

the title relates to more than one thing....

firstly obviously...was the amazing,awesome and very satisfactory results of the 12th malaysian general elections....where the ruling coalition was finally denied a 2/3 majority....which means they cant do wutever they hell they want anymore...they need the oppositions approval before they can push anything through in parliament...d indians completely deserted the ruling coalition...MIC only won 3 parliamentary seats...n d opposition indian army grew from 2 to 20!!!now thats wut i'm talking abt man...

secondly...is well...my internship...kinda a new era for me so to speak...1st time working experience...being an auditor for pwc...kononnya auditor lah...lol...but its a good experience...although its got nth at all to do with my major...im learning things i otherwise would nvr learn abt....n i have a new found respect for auditors...the amount of work they do...jst to ensure accountability n to ensure companies actually stay afloat...its amazing...n the amount of number crunching dats involved...its unbelievable....

finally...i've had a good weekend....a relaxing friday nite...a chilled saturday...a good pool outing with the guys...n watching elections results on tv...n smth else that has put a perpetual smile on my face the whole weekend....my housemates cant believe im smiling this much...the people involved should noe wut its abt...;p....

well...i'm signing off now...will probably only post again next weekend...:D

For The First Time

call it an epiphany or wut ever u wan...

but for the first time in almost over a year...im thinking straight again...i got my head screwed on d right way around...

this comes from lots of late nite chats with ruben...with varun...with my sis...with tracy...

comes from a lot of whacks on d head...sum quite painful ones...sum very metaphorical whacks...dat actually hurt more than d physical ones...

but it was all worth it...

things are so much clearer now...

realizing how really wrong it would have been....

i actually sed thank u to 2 ppl...they had a good laugh..lol

realizing how in sum situation i had unwittingly compromised my own principles...n stepped over boundaries that i nvr should have....

realizing that sometimes...
...u gotta jst be who u are...do ur part...n shut out d rest...
...its best to jst not care...
...people are fake cz they are actually afraid
...people who know u best actually know whats best for u
...my sis n tracy make a lot of sense
...age and a wide worldview can make all d difference
...n most of d time there is all the difference in d world between a girl n a woman
...brothers are there for a reason...n not always good reasons...
...people change...themselves...their mindsets...their principles...their ideals
...it actually is better to have NOT loved at all than to have loved n lost
...it is better to have loved n lost than not loved at all
...it is better to surround urself with true friends than bother urself with all the drama of a relationship
...d mind should take control of d heart
...d heart should be allowed to present its case

i m moving forward...

leaving d past in d past...

i tried different roads...different paths...i have traveled the road less taken...n i have traveled the road that many travel on...

i have realized that the road less taken is better...n even better than that is making ur own road...

so for now...i m going bk to d road less traveled...lonely though it may be...there are many more adventures...n some things i jst need to do on my own...

for those who have been worried about me these past couple of weeks...dun worry...i am fine now...i have d right support as i always have had...

if i did not confide in u...do not take it too harshly...i simply only confide in family...as they have seen me through my darkest hours and know what im truly capable of...n certain aspects of me..unless u r family...u will not understand...n u will not be able to accept...thats jst d way life is...

i'll be back on my 2 feet before u noe it...u wont even realize dat i was gone...:)

I Am Worth Sooo Much More

disclaimer: this is MY experience...it is what I have gone through...if u feel i have implicated u in this post...too bad...take it up with me personally or shut the fuck up...

i have regressed...AIESEC was supposed to have expanded my horizons...it was supposed to have done soo much more for me...as a person...in terms of growth and everything...

dun get me wrong...AIESEC...the idea of it...the organization itself..the goals are good and the visions are solid...

but the people...the so called change agents...its less than ideal...

i spent a year in switzerland...i graduated from high school there...i was who i was...fearless...outspoken...independent of politics and wut other people thought...

but aiesec sucked me bk into high school...cz thats the mentality there...it really is...u aren't judged on how much work u do...or how much u contribute...u r judged on how good u look...if u fit into the "in" crowd or not...u r judged by how well u can play the political games....by how fake u can be...

i have regressed...

i poured my heart n soul into this organization...but wut do i have to show for it?

-pain
-heartache
-trials
-tribulations
-mockeries

my whole life for the past one year or so has been aiesec...the people i go to eat with...the people i drink with...the people i see everyday...n slowly..n steadily...their mindsets effected me...

they made me truly believe that i am less than wut i truly am...they made me believe that malaysian guys are worthless...that we dunno how to do anything rite...that our western counterparts are soo much better...

but how do they noe?

have they lived with them before?have they seen our western counterparts for wut they truly are?

NO...they have not...all they have are little girlish images and visions that are so far from the truth...their visions are about as far from the truth as i am as far away from heaven while sitting on my throne in hell...

but i am finally finding myself again...listening to those who truly noe me...listening to myself again...my voice that has been silenced for oh so long...

I AM WORTH SO MUCH MORE...

i am who i am...im no model...but i aint that bad looking either...i got the looks...n i got the personality...i AM a great guy...n im finally getting back that confidence again...

to the girls who r reading this...who still think so highly of my western counterparts....who think my western counterpart are soo much better than our local boys...

let me tell u this...i was much much more obnoxious than this back in switzerland n i was considered there to b better than the other guys....more gentlemanly than them...n i came bk...n i had to tone down abit...

this is toned down...if u cant even handle me...u really think u got a chance handling them?

wake up...i've learnt my lesson...i'm moving on...i'm moving out of high school again...its about time u people decided to grow up as well...

good bye people

A New Year, A New Beginning?

so 2007 is finally over....along with it came many many memories...n many many good times...

---> getting piss drunk on jims bday
---> all d 7 indians n 1 "indian" guys in d apt d whole nite looong drinking with no inhibitations
---> going for MT interviews stoned
---> all the laughter
---> all the friends
---> natcon
---> kuala selangor
---> birthday celebrations

n along with many many many more trials n tribulations....whatever doesnt kill u only makes u stronger rite?but being on d brink of death n coming bk time n time again is getting very tiring....n its slowly wearing me out...

my results sucked big time this past sem....dropped from 4.0 gpa to 2.94 gpa....cgpa from3.99 to 3.78....

my love life sucks....i tried for 1 punjabi n failed...i tried for a chinese a girl n failed...i tried for another chinese girl n failed again...i tried for d SAME girl (i noe...idiocy) again n guess wut?? I FAILED AGAIN!

i lost a long standing friendship...but that was the price to pay...it was a last resort...i din noe how else to help already....

i learnt that just because u dont like to play politics...doesnt mean u can get away without playing any...sad as it is...

i learnt that betrayal is soooo much easier to come by these days even by those u trust or want to call ur friend than true courage to stick by u n tell u to ur face wut is wrong is to come by...

they say keep ur frens close n ur enemies closer...i say keep ur family n ur "family" close...let the rest of the world burn...n choose ur "family" wisely for it reflects on u...

its been a looong year...n i can only hope that this year is much much better...


a new year...a new sem...a new beginning....but it still d same old emo fool here at Resurrection...

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008 EVERYONE!!!

Slipping

in n out of consciousness....

in n out of sanity....

in n out of depression....

my mind is a wreck....

my life is a mess....

one minute i'm fine n happy....d next thing i know i'm down n gloomy....

i don't know how much fight i have left in me...sometimes it just seems so much easier to give in to it all....to give up on everything...love, life...just everything.....

i'm sick of crawling on the edges between light n dark....

sick of my mind playing games on me....

sick of facing people....

sick of wearing a stupid mask....

the things that used to be a comfort to me somehow no longer are a comfort...

i shy away from friends....afraid of myself n how i might screw myself over again....

i shy away from family....afraid that i'll be seen as just annoying.....

i shy away from alcohol....afraid of the nightmares it may bring....

i shy away from myself....afraid of my mind n its games....

i shy away from society....afraid that i may end up a shadow among the crowd like d rest of them....

i shy away from life....afraid of what pain it has in store for me next....

the walls are closing in....n the lights are getting dimmer....

how much more fight i have left in me i do not know....

i pray for strength....

i pray for courage....

i pray for faith....

i pray my prayers are answered....for if not...then there is nothing left to fight for....

Now I'm Done

thats right....

NOW i'm done...

now i'm breaking free...

now its over...its jst soooo over...

no more girls....fullstop...

im locking me heart away once n for all....

its d only way....

i'm done being screwed...

i'm done with all this shit...

its over...

n I"M DONE!!!

Life

i always play the silent game...nvr say nething...but u noe wut...this time i mite try smth slightly different...

go ahead...tell ur lies...do wut ever the fuck u wanna do...but if u really think its abt money...or its abt sum chick...ur dead wrong...it aint abt none of dat...its abt u nvr changing...u constantly taking advantage of people...

but if u cant see that...if u cant look past ur own misconceptions...dats ur fucking problem...i pity d ppl who are falling for ur crap...i really do...

after all i've done for u...u think i'd turn my back on family for money or for sum chick?ur dead wrong...clearly u nvr knew me...n i guess i nvr knew u...

there was nth for me to blame any1 for in d 1st place...it was my mistake...my prob..my shit...although...it wasnt after i cut u out dat i learnt u had long ago gone behind my back...stabbed me in d back n betrayed my trust....used me as a piece of gossip...spilt my secrets to the world out there...so fuck u....

to any1 else who is reading this...jst keep this in mind alrite...if after all those years of backing this person up...all bailing this person out of trouble time n again...spending all dat time n effort...n yet this person so easily can betray me...so easily can spill my secrets out...how long do u think it'll be before this person does d same to u....

dats for u to decide...to those who still got my back...i thank u...i appreciate every one of u...n to those who have no idea wuts going on...dun ask...esp dun ask me...jst accept dat me n this person have gone through a parting of ways..only those who are family noe my reasonings n motifs...n only they have the right to hear it from me...to the rest...its personal n its meant for family only...as rude as it may seem...im sorry...n i apologize to any of u dat got caught up in this unwillingly...

Home Again

finally....after such a long time....actually....it jst been abt 5 weeks....but it feels like sooooo much longer....so long since i came bk home....to where i belong....where all the troubles in my life jst fade away....no aiesec....no exams....no datelines....no girl troubles....nothing...jst blissful peace....

its really become a luxury coming home...these days im soo busy i really dunno when the next time ill b able to come again is....probably when it all gets too much again....when im close to breaking...then ill jst leave it all n come home....jst a few days of peace and serenity....

went with my mum to the school play last nite....for those who havent watched it....its quite good actually...the play is entitled hercules....but hades is d main guy....hades makes the whole play really worth watching...

today im going out with jill and aaron....jst a simple day to chill...mite even meet eelin n her new boy....hehe...that should be quite interesting....no...dat is not jealousy in my voice...im happy for her...but i mean lets face it...im a guy....i do hv SOME ego u noe...not much...but still...some...lol

n then tmr....tmr is the dreaded day....bk to kl....bk to aiesec...bk to exams n datelines...bk to girl troubles....bk to all dat mayhem and chaos....i guess its jst a preparation for d coming stages of my life....

ah well...if there is one thing i've learnt in the past weeks...its to savor the good times....make it last as long as possible...n brace for the bad times....enjoy the calm before the storm...for there is always a storm that is waiting for u arnd the horizon....

over n out.

Court Therapy

court always makes things abit clearer...not crystal clear....but jst a lil clearer...

what m i to u?
d o i actually mean smth to u?
or m i jst smth u hv arnd
when u need sum attention?

what m i to u?
i need to noe
i cant go on like this..

i gv u attention when u want it...
i put myself out there...
but yet..

u sit there
play ur games
sometimes ur interested
n other times ur not..

what m i to u?
the ball is in ur court now...

A Wake Up Call

damn....its been ages since i updated this blog hasnt it.....well....d bulk of d time since then was spent at natcon in utm....which was absolutely amazing...met a lot of new ppl....bumped into a lot of old frens...learnt loads of things....i really thank the OCs and the MCs....before this i cud nvr truly grasp the whole "global" part of AIESEC...i mean i knew it was global n all...but the way they presented it at natcon made it more realistic....learnt loads of other stuff...which also means i got loads of work to do....sigh....

n yesterday...after doing sum stuff that mite b considered to b not so smart...n clearing up that whole thing....god kinda gave me a wake up call....was walking near kota raya to go to pudu...looked down for a while cz the pavement was uneven n i din wanna trip n fall....jst as i was bringing my head up to look straight....

BANG!!!!

my head smacked straight into a wall...my glasses broke n fell to d floor...i bent down to pick my glasses up n suddenly realized there was blood trickling everywhere....panicked...i ran to d McDs n started to wash d blood off...when it wouldnt stop bleeding...i called jim n alif....alif came n fetched me n took me to UM students clinic....

they shaved part of my head....put 4 stitches on the wound n sed i was good to go....unfortunately i din bring bk my data cable...else i would have put all my gory images up....thank u sooo much to jim n alif who were there to help me out....n thanks to all those who sent me msges last nite asking how i was doing....:)

Finally

so after seeing it on paper for 1 year....after talking abt it...n going to numerous different places n meeting different artist...n getting different quotations....i went to penang on thurs n FINALLY got it done....

the instrument of pain

now d 1st question anybody asks me is always "pain ah?"....well...think abt it...u got dat machine up there where the needle is moving in n out n pricking ur skin at abt 20-30 pricks per second...yeah....dats how fast it is....n yeah...there is a certain amount of pain....but its really not dat bad....esp once u get used to it...

kean doing d tattoo for me n varun camhoring

now d guy who did my tattoo for me...his name is kean....n he is absolutely amazing...his artwork is great....he is a really nice guy....really fun....n he kept saying throughout the whole thing "im sorry to hurt u...i dont want to hurt u...but i need to do my job"...it was actually quite funny...hehe...

kean doing his work of art

the whole process took a very long time....went to his place arnd 6pm...he went out n photostated d design in different sizes....then we picked which size for each of the 4 parts...then he started to stencil all the parts...by the time he finished stenciling n was going to start work it was already arnd 745pm....the 1st part, which is my name in old english took a whopping 3 hours to complete....then he finished the rest in slightly over 2 hours...so d total time was abt 5 hours n 15 minutes....not including the stenciling part...

kean n me after d tattoo was complete

honestly speaking...he put in a lot of effort to do this...n it was amazing to see him work...after all dat...he only charged me rm450 for the whole thing...which for d amount of effort he put into it....i think it was more than worth my money...of course part of the reason its not dat expensive as parlors is coz he does it in his bed room...but its still very sterile n safe...

the main part of the tattoo with my religious symbol,name on old english font,name in punjabi n japanese

i am extremely happy with my tattoo....im so glad i finally went n got it done....after seeing on paper for more than 1 year...it feels really great to b able to see it on my skin....its really amazing...n im definitely gonna get more...n im most probabably gonna go bk to kean to get them done...i seriously recommend him to anyone who wants to get a tattoo...:D

my date of birth hidden under my armpits..lol

23

thats how old i am today....yet sumhow i feel so much older on the inside....although there r times i feel much younger...a year gone by....so much has passed...so much has come to be...n so much left undone...

but it was nevertheless a good year....

a year of mistakes....n of learning....
a year of closure....n new horizons....
a year of moving on.....bt still cherishing the past...

a year of new friends.....new bonds....bonds that wont b broken so easily....
a year of strengthening old bonds....n at d same time breaking sum dat proved to be ill-natured...

23 years of my life has past...n i have so much to celebrate...family...friends...studies...aiesec(yes..partially to be celebrated)...

n wut better time to say this...i noe i usually dont announce it...but 3rd times a charm rite...n considering its d 3rd time in a row i've miraculously pulled out a 4.0 from the hat...i'd say if ur close enough to me...particularly my family...u've somehow earned urself a treat...ur jst gonna have to wait till my loan comes in...

as for d rest that aren't my family...sorry...pray i get it 4 times in row n u mite jst get lucky...lol...n u can call me a cheap ass all u want...it aint gonna make any difference wut so ever...:P

i guess thats all for now...time to go enjoy my day!!:D

A Mixture of Things

well...its been quite sum time since i last posted sumthing up here...been quite bz...came bk from iph....realized dat d only things i truly miss in ipoh is my parents n my home....other than dat...there aint much left for me there...its been a week of realizations for me i think...realized things i din before...learnt stuff abt myself...jst lil things...lil things that seem easier to accept after all the other strings that were keeping me down were cut loose...

one of th main things i realized is that i have a 2nd degree family that sumhow squeezed its way up the list of my priorities...i mean...d top will always be my true family(ie mum,dad,bro,sis,aaron,varun,jim,ruben,ferdy,mich).....d 2nd was friends...which has kinda been bumped to 3rd place n now shares the same amount of priority as studies n aiesec....

so wut is this 2nd degree family im talking abt?they're basicly friends...jst that they have seen me through a lot...more than any of my friends have...but not nearly as much as my family has....so they're kinda in between...but each of their friendships has taught me alot in my life...n i cherish these friendships a lot....in case ur wondering...the ppl i consider my 2nd degree family wud be jill,pinkie,eelin,cheryl,eileng,jason ling,jitvern n yee hui.....so jst thought i'd let u guys noe dat u mean a lot to me...:D

besides that...i've realized i'm a lot more willing to learn stuff n tinker arnd wv things than i ever thought...i mean...being aiesec um's supposed "tech geek"...i was supposed to set up a website n stuff....been working on it...its still in d early stages....but d more i work on it...d more i wanna learn abt wut makes it tick...d more i wanna tinker wv it n change it...its kinda cool....hehe

n finally...dat im happy...jst d way i am...i can actually wake up everyday now not fret abt d past or d future dat much....no more dark morbid thoughts of what if i did dat or what if i do dat...its kinda refreshing...waking up each day...giving it d best i've got...n jst being happy...im a happy person...:D

well...i guess dats all for now....:)

p/s: get ur sorry ass bk here NOW angrymedic!!!it needs a whopping im ready to give!

Holidays??

well...since my last post...i've had a few really busy days...that doesnt really make it seem like im on a holiday....well except for the 1st part....so here goes...the past few days in a nutshell....

Booze Party

so on d 2nd of may i had d normal after exams celebrations...i mean...im indian...wut else do u expect except for a booze party rite?only diff is that instead of d normal 8 or 9 ppl...we had a good 15-20 ppl...yeah sure sum of them din drink...but that was like abt less than 5...n only coz they were muslim n cant really drink cz of their religion to begin with...but the fact dat they knew we were gonna booze n still came...made a big diff to me...n i really wanna thank them....mawar...alif...lia...

as usual...we had a few ppl who got drunk...a few punjabis who got drunk n did d completely embarrassing thing of acting gay n all...but hey...to each their own rite...lol...all in all...it was a really good nite...i enjoyed myself...even though jim n i had to refrain from getting drunk or even high for dat matter cz we had to take care of everyone...but d fact that everyone else had a good time...it felt good....i ended up sleeping at 5am....n waking up at 6am coz....

MT Interviews

well...as unbelievable as it still is...i did get into d AIESEC exec board(eb)....n as the eb...we held interview on d 3rd of may to choose our management team(mt)...we had to be in uni by 830am...n hence i was awake by 6am...to make sure dat d ppl who slept over d nite before got up n went home...cz half of d ppl at d booze party either were d interviewers or d ppl dat were gonna get interviewed...lol...but they still managed to come for d interviews in a very sober fashion....very impressed...

d interviews lasted till about 530pm...then we had to sit n decide who we were gonna take in n who we were gonna cut out...n then to plan for the following day...which is d next section...i finally got home n slept arnd 1230am...

Local Committee Planning Meet

basicly this thing called lcpm for short was held d day after d interviews....starting from arnd 8+am....all the way till abt 6+pm...basicly got all d successful applicants for mt together...n intro them to AIESEC n let them bond abit...it was quite fun...although tiring...but still....its all good...n at d same time i was having online transition wv my predecessor...who was telling me wut i need to do n such....so my work started then itself....ah well...which brings me to...

Going bk to Ipoh

finally....after abt 2 1/2 months...i finally came bk to ipoh...so much has changed....all of a sudden ipoh has so many traffic jams...everything is so crowded...even d simple coffee shops that used to be deserted on a saturday nite were packed to d brim....impossible to find parking...it was unbelievable...but still...its home sweet home....finally home...

Afraid of Sleep

as i sed in my previous post...i sum how lost myself this past year in uni...there r so many questions that have flooded my mind...during my exams...d devil in me wanted to come out...i thought it was jst d exams...but now...my exams r over...but the feeling is still there...i close my eyes...n he is there...fighting n struggling to come out....d devil dat ran amok till i was 14...that was finally binded with the help of my parents...now 8 years later...i've lost myself...n he is slowly creeping to d edge....n everytime i close my eyes...everytime i go to sleep...he gets 1 step closer to freeing himself...

i need help...i need to noe wuts wrong...i need to noe how to fix it...n i need to noe soon...b4 i fall bk into d darkness....i dun wan to be d one binded again....

u noe who u r...those who can help me...this is ur time to help me...this is a cry for help....

HELP ME!!!