Penang Again and a Clearer Head

so i went to penang again for the weekend....was invited by rene to watch d meteor shower...decided to go...what the hell rite?i din have nething to do in ipoh anyway...

so 1stly...d meteor shower din really work out...there was too much cloud cover (thanx to sum1 i shall not name here but u noe who u r..:P)...but other than that...it was a great trip...penang as usual offered loads of good food...n with rene has host..u cant really go wrong...he knows all the best places...so we basicly spent the whole 2 days plus eating n driving arnd looking for more places to eat...of course....we also spent a huge portion of our time poking goay n lengz...IN A TOTALLY INNOCENT N NON-SEXUAL WAY!!!!i noe most of u noe me too welll n will automatically associate poking with smth dirty...lol..but overall...it was a really great trip...thanx to all that were there that made it great...rene....bee chin...goay...n of course lengz...:D

now abt a d clearer head...had a talk with her abt y things happened the way they did....y she said certain things that gave me hope...n there was a lot of apology going on as well....me apologizing for fucking things up...she apologizing if she had confused me or given me the wrong signals...it basicly ended up with her leaving things up to me...saying that if i wanted her to stay away, she would...n if i could handle being jst friends...that would work for her too....honestly...i have no idea where i stand...part of me says i can stomach being jst her friend...but d other part of me jst crumbles every time i see her or talk to her...

but wut i do noe is this...i aint changing...the year is coming to an end...n i've learnt this year that im happy with who i am...n if that means i meant to be jst a friend to all the girls...then so be it...i aint changing jst to get a girl...n for now...its pretty obvious i aint getting one...im too choosy for my own good...

d majority of my race r either toooo down to earth n go to temple every week or have their noses waaaayyyy high in the air...none of them have a sense of humour that can really make me laugh....n the only girls that do fulfill this smallest of criterias are all not of my race...n all only think of me as a friend...so be it...so for now...

i've cut my heart out n dipped it in liquid nitrogen so that it is frozen....encased it in reinforced granite....locked it a titanium impenetrable safe...thrown d safe to d deepest darkest corner of my soul...n destroyed d key to d safe...so that it cant be mysteriously found by sum random person...but instead d person who really is supposed to have my heart will have to forge a new key to pry my heart out of its hiding place...

i wish dat person all d luck in the world....but until she comes along...im free...im gonna do wut i want...i gonna flirt with anyone n everyone....n i dun care abt the consequences anymore...i've been hurt enough jst cz i was being d nice guy....now im done being the nice guy....so if ur flirting with me...be warned...if u get burned...it aint my problem....

Slipping

in n out of consciousness....

in n out of sanity....

in n out of depression....

my mind is a wreck....

my life is a mess....

one minute i'm fine n happy....d next thing i know i'm down n gloomy....

i don't know how much fight i have left in me...sometimes it just seems so much easier to give in to it all....to give up on everything...love, life...just everything.....

i'm sick of crawling on the edges between light n dark....

sick of my mind playing games on me....

sick of facing people....

sick of wearing a stupid mask....

the things that used to be a comfort to me somehow no longer are a comfort...

i shy away from friends....afraid of myself n how i might screw myself over again....

i shy away from family....afraid that i'll be seen as just annoying.....

i shy away from alcohol....afraid of the nightmares it may bring....

i shy away from myself....afraid of my mind n its games....

i shy away from society....afraid that i may end up a shadow among the crowd like d rest of them....

i shy away from life....afraid of what pain it has in store for me next....

the walls are closing in....n the lights are getting dimmer....

how much more fight i have left in me i do not know....

i pray for strength....

i pray for courage....

i pray for faith....

i pray my prayers are answered....for if not...then there is nothing left to fight for....

A Haunting

sleepless nights have been my curse....n when sleep does grace me with its presence...its brings along its good friend nightmare...n not just 1 nightmare that ends...but a whole lot of nightmares that keep going over n over again like a broken record...

lies n deceits...an intricate web that has been woven over time...all to give me hope that was never there...like showing a man the light at the end of the tunnel while keeping him trapped in a cage at the darkest corner of the tunnel....

anger...spite...bitterness....depression....all the different heads of the monster called failure...the monster whose only weapon is lies n deceit...n who feeds on the suffering of the his victims...

the lies....

"ur a great guy"

"any girl would be lucky to have a guy like u"

"no one is unattainable"

all from different mouths...all speaking the same message of hope....

n then....

"ur just a friend"

"ur not my type"

from the same mouths that gave the hope above....

it can only mean one thing then cant it?the words above were lies...deceits...

lies and deceits that will haunt the victim...while he sits in his cage that is constantly shrinking...the light can no longer be seen...all that can be seen is the wave of bitterness n the ocean of spite that threatens to consume him while he is trapped....

with nowhere to run...n nowhere to hide...there is nothing he can do....

so engulfed he is...consumed by all the hatred...n finally...the devil in him awakens...for that is the devils place to thrive...hatred n anger n bitterness n spite are all the allies of the devil...no more place for love or happiness or goodness...

the man is lost...

the devil has awoken n taken over.