The Box

was going through some old stuff just now...looking for my old affirmation booklet from my prefects camp bk in form 6....its been a day of nostalgia for me...spent d day at school catching up with my teachers then at nite met 2 old frens whom i havent seen in a really long time...

so yeah...bk to where i was....was looking for my old affirmation booklet from the prefects camp...

thats when i came across something else...

in the search of my memories of old, i found other remnants and other memories...

i opened the box...the booklet was at d top...i took it out...n then looked bk...

the hand towel i borrowed once long ago...it still had her smell...

the pizza hut mix n match leaflet....with a smiley face drawn into it and a note at the bottom...

i should have stopped....

the picture frame with a picture of us jst before the school drama...both smiling happily...the boy in dat picture bears no resemblance to the person staring at it now...2 completely different people...

the four and a half jars of different coloured little folded pieces of paper...

i reached for it...

n then pulled bk....the wounds were already threatening to re-open....

so i quickly closed the box...n pushed it away...bk into its hiding place where it could tempt n hurt me no more...

will i ever be able to look at d contents of dat box again?will i be able to stay steady?do i even want stay steady?do i even want to look at d contents again?

god alone noes...

for now i shall focus on the affirmation booklet...n bury those forbidden thoughts deep into d abyss at the back of my mind...

A Cynic

i woke up yesterday n realized that its exactly what i've become...

a cynic....no more n no less...

after all d failed attempt n failed relationships...after all the shit i see happening around me....i've come to believe that there is no love....there is no happily ever after....no romance....no chivalry...nothing...

well....in my case anyway....

n if anyone comes up to me and says "there is sum1 out there for all us..." i'm going to tell them "yes...there is sum1 for all of us out there...jst sum of those 'sum1's have moved on from this world before their other half could meet them...

love is a chemical reaction in ur brain....its jst an imagination...a hope...something to keep u thinking happy thoughts....its like a drug...n most people are addicted to it....don't believe me?

what happens to a junkie when u take away his drugs?

he gets angry...he gets upset....slowly he slips into depression and insanity....he hurts himself or others physically to divert his attention n restlessness....

sound familiar?

love is a drug....probably the most evil drug ever to exist among humans...simply because its the one drug that every single human being gets addicted to...whether they like it or not...

except the cynics....who have been through d roller coaster ride soo many times n been hurt so many n have hurt soo many times that finally put all their will n might into kicking the addiction...cz they no longer believe the drug works...or more like they no longer believe the happiness they get during the high is worth the pain n suffering they have to endure when its taken away from them...

so im joining their ranks...

there is only so much u can fight....only so much u can put your heart out there for.....it just doesnt seem like its worth it anymore...

"if u take yourself out of the game,at least you don't have to worry about getting your heart hurt or broken." - 'what happens in vegas'

Penang Again and a Clearer Head

so i went to penang again for the weekend....was invited by rene to watch d meteor shower...decided to go...what the hell rite?i din have nething to do in ipoh anyway...

so 1stly...d meteor shower din really work out...there was too much cloud cover (thanx to sum1 i shall not name here but u noe who u r..:P)...but other than that...it was a great trip...penang as usual offered loads of good food...n with rene has host..u cant really go wrong...he knows all the best places...so we basicly spent the whole 2 days plus eating n driving arnd looking for more places to eat...of course....we also spent a huge portion of our time poking goay n lengz...IN A TOTALLY INNOCENT N NON-SEXUAL WAY!!!!i noe most of u noe me too welll n will automatically associate poking with smth dirty...lol..but overall...it was a really great trip...thanx to all that were there that made it great...rene....bee chin...goay...n of course lengz...:D

now abt a d clearer head...had a talk with her abt y things happened the way they did....y she said certain things that gave me hope...n there was a lot of apology going on as well....me apologizing for fucking things up...she apologizing if she had confused me or given me the wrong signals...it basicly ended up with her leaving things up to me...saying that if i wanted her to stay away, she would...n if i could handle being jst friends...that would work for her too....honestly...i have no idea where i stand...part of me says i can stomach being jst her friend...but d other part of me jst crumbles every time i see her or talk to her...

but wut i do noe is this...i aint changing...the year is coming to an end...n i've learnt this year that im happy with who i am...n if that means i meant to be jst a friend to all the girls...then so be it...i aint changing jst to get a girl...n for now...its pretty obvious i aint getting one...im too choosy for my own good...

d majority of my race r either toooo down to earth n go to temple every week or have their noses waaaayyyy high in the air...none of them have a sense of humour that can really make me laugh....n the only girls that do fulfill this smallest of criterias are all not of my race...n all only think of me as a friend...so be it...so for now...

i've cut my heart out n dipped it in liquid nitrogen so that it is frozen....encased it in reinforced granite....locked it a titanium impenetrable safe...thrown d safe to d deepest darkest corner of my soul...n destroyed d key to d safe...so that it cant be mysteriously found by sum random person...but instead d person who really is supposed to have my heart will have to forge a new key to pry my heart out of its hiding place...

i wish dat person all d luck in the world....but until she comes along...im free...im gonna do wut i want...i gonna flirt with anyone n everyone....n i dun care abt the consequences anymore...i've been hurt enough jst cz i was being d nice guy....now im done being the nice guy....so if ur flirting with me...be warned...if u get burned...it aint my problem....

Slipping

in n out of consciousness....

in n out of sanity....

in n out of depression....

my mind is a wreck....

my life is a mess....

one minute i'm fine n happy....d next thing i know i'm down n gloomy....

i don't know how much fight i have left in me...sometimes it just seems so much easier to give in to it all....to give up on everything...love, life...just everything.....

i'm sick of crawling on the edges between light n dark....

sick of my mind playing games on me....

sick of facing people....

sick of wearing a stupid mask....

the things that used to be a comfort to me somehow no longer are a comfort...

i shy away from friends....afraid of myself n how i might screw myself over again....

i shy away from family....afraid that i'll be seen as just annoying.....

i shy away from alcohol....afraid of the nightmares it may bring....

i shy away from myself....afraid of my mind n its games....

i shy away from society....afraid that i may end up a shadow among the crowd like d rest of them....

i shy away from life....afraid of what pain it has in store for me next....

the walls are closing in....n the lights are getting dimmer....

how much more fight i have left in me i do not know....

i pray for strength....

i pray for courage....

i pray for faith....

i pray my prayers are answered....for if not...then there is nothing left to fight for....

A Haunting

sleepless nights have been my curse....n when sleep does grace me with its presence...its brings along its good friend nightmare...n not just 1 nightmare that ends...but a whole lot of nightmares that keep going over n over again like a broken record...

lies n deceits...an intricate web that has been woven over time...all to give me hope that was never there...like showing a man the light at the end of the tunnel while keeping him trapped in a cage at the darkest corner of the tunnel....

anger...spite...bitterness....depression....all the different heads of the monster called failure...the monster whose only weapon is lies n deceit...n who feeds on the suffering of the his victims...

the lies....

"ur a great guy"

"any girl would be lucky to have a guy like u"

"no one is unattainable"

all from different mouths...all speaking the same message of hope....

n then....

"ur just a friend"

"ur not my type"

from the same mouths that gave the hope above....

it can only mean one thing then cant it?the words above were lies...deceits...

lies and deceits that will haunt the victim...while he sits in his cage that is constantly shrinking...the light can no longer be seen...all that can be seen is the wave of bitterness n the ocean of spite that threatens to consume him while he is trapped....

with nowhere to run...n nowhere to hide...there is nothing he can do....

so engulfed he is...consumed by all the hatred...n finally...the devil in him awakens...for that is the devils place to thrive...hatred n anger n bitterness n spite are all the allies of the devil...no more place for love or happiness or goodness...

the man is lost...

the devil has awoken n taken over.

Now I'm Done

thats right....

NOW i'm done...

now i'm breaking free...

now its over...its jst soooo over...

no more girls....fullstop...

im locking me heart away once n for all....

its d only way....

i'm done being screwed...

i'm done with all this shit...

its over...

n I"M DONE!!!

Pain

i thought i was getting better...guess i just deceived myself....had 3 midsems this past week ending today....for a while i had sum control....i focused all my energy on my exams...n briefly d pain vanished....not completely....but it was a mere shadow of its true self...

n today my exams ended....i was alleviated....for a moment...n then...jst as d joy of finishing my exams was taking over....i felt it again....a stabbing pain...rite in my heart....or...wuts left of my heart anyway....jst pain...pure unadulterated pain....worse than the pain of death itself...

i dunno wut to do....it feels wrong that she shud bear the burden of losing a fren just cz i fell for her...i wish i cud talk to her again....go bk to d way things were....but sum how...sum where along the line...i jst forgot how to be jst a fren to her...i really dunno wut to do....

History Repeats Itself

here i am....1 year 5 months and 24 days since i was last in this state....my heart broken into a million pieces....n it took me forever to put the pieces back together...n even after dat...after all d pain n agony...all i had was a heart of stone...slowly n steadily....it morphed itself bk into a normal heart....

n then came along a girl....a girl that made me feel like all those long years ago...feel alive again...feel like she is worth it....u noe dat girl...d one where u dun care if u make a fool of urself in front our frens....jst as long as u can get her...its all worth it...d one dat makes u smile jst thinking of her...

n i like a fool...fell for her....n i fell hard...could i help it?no...i cud not...as aaron puts it...im a sentimental old fool....i put it all out there...i tried to woo her...n for a moment...a brief moment...it seemed like it was working....like i was getting sum where...i felt so strongly for her...n there mite jst b this one slim chance she mite actually feel the same way too....

then....all of a sudden...out of nowhere....i din even see it coming..."he is jst a fren"....one sentence....one simple phrase...n all the hopes n dreams...all crushed n destroyed....but this was it...did i mention i havent felt this way since my ex?well...that's that i guess....with one sentence....my heart broke....bk into a million pieces...bk to d way it was when i was forced to do wut i did....

now d question is...can i put myself bk together?do i actually have d strength?n if i can n i do have the strength, will i be once again left with a heart of stone?cz if dat is d case...i noe i dun have d strength to morph it bk to a normal heart....but then...will i even b able to put myself together again?every time i c her....my heart jst crumbles....how do u have a platonic friendship with sum1 u feel so strongly about?

The Price of Loyalty

had a long chat with one of my brothers the other day....n only then i realized he isnt so different from me....the one thing dat really connects us is our sense of loyalty....yes...to those who have so little faith in me...loayalty is one of the most important things in my life....but it comes at a price...n from a price as well...

as put by my sis...i care too much....lets put it this way...i care not for the world outside and wut goes on...who kills who...who is at war with who....who wins wut elections....those are all such insignificant things that i do not care about...

but to those who r close to me...i care too much....i care so much for them that their problems and burdens become my problems and burdens...their joy is my joy...their tears are my failings...and its worse when i have to do things that add to their problems...

this leads to loyalty....undivided...to the death loyalty....n dat loyalty drives me to do things i wud ordinarily choose not to do...but i end up doing it anyway...not cz i want to...but cz i have to...cz of loyalty...not too long ago...due to sum loyalties...i was crushed and oppressed...to the point i lost control and engaged in violence i have not engaged in in over 9 years....

d road to hell is paved with good intentions they say....my road to hell is paved by my loyalties and the lengths i go through to keep them...yes...i m going to hell...i noe this for a fact...i believe in God...i noe God has sum plan for me...n that i mite eventually be allowed in Gods graces...but my path to that is through the fires of hell...

kind of puts a new twist to telling a girl "i'll love even after death"....cz dat wud b a lie wudnt it?how can i love sum1 if they go to heaven n im going to hell is there...?

loyalties....its a blessing and at the same time a curse...unless u have suffered under the same pain...u have no idea how i feel at this point....no idea how much pain it is to have to see all that is happening arnd me n not b able to do nething...no idea how suffocating it is to love n not b able to say it out loud simply because of a thing sum ppl view so insignificantly called LOYALTY

"through the fires of hell i shall walk,
if this be the path chosen for me,
then give me the grace to carry,
the burden on my shoulder.

through the fires of hell i shall walk,
if this be the path chosen for me,
then give me the gift of soldiers,
who r loyal to me,
n who know the price i've paid,
n who know why i walk this path.

through the fires of hell i shall walk,
if this be the path chosen for me,
then give me Your embrace,
so that i may know all is not in vain."

A Wake Up Call

damn....its been ages since i updated this blog hasnt it.....well....d bulk of d time since then was spent at natcon in utm....which was absolutely amazing...met a lot of new ppl....bumped into a lot of old frens...learnt loads of things....i really thank the OCs and the MCs....before this i cud nvr truly grasp the whole "global" part of AIESEC...i mean i knew it was global n all...but the way they presented it at natcon made it more realistic....learnt loads of other stuff...which also means i got loads of work to do....sigh....

n yesterday...after doing sum stuff that mite b considered to b not so smart...n clearing up that whole thing....god kinda gave me a wake up call....was walking near kota raya to go to pudu...looked down for a while cz the pavement was uneven n i din wanna trip n fall....jst as i was bringing my head up to look straight....

BANG!!!!

my head smacked straight into a wall...my glasses broke n fell to d floor...i bent down to pick my glasses up n suddenly realized there was blood trickling everywhere....panicked...i ran to d McDs n started to wash d blood off...when it wouldnt stop bleeding...i called jim n alif....alif came n fetched me n took me to UM students clinic....

they shaved part of my head....put 4 stitches on the wound n sed i was good to go....unfortunately i din bring bk my data cable...else i would have put all my gory images up....thank u sooo much to jim n alif who were there to help me out....n thanks to all those who sent me msges last nite asking how i was doing....:)

Memories

ever wake up one morning n sud feel ur whole life press upon u like a giant wave....all the memories....all the sweet moments...all the sadness....the pain....everything....like a torrent of emotions...a giant wave...n u dun noe if u shud b happy or sad...

ur mood fluctuates so fast its not funny....1 sec a happy memory comes n ur on top of d world...d nxt a painful memory comes n ur fighting bk d tears...yes...to those of u who think u noe me...there r tears in my past...n there is pain as well...despite the happy-go-lucky person u c walking down the street...but i keep it all locked inside n hidden away...

until 1 fine day...like today...the dam jst breaks....n everything is let out....so i slowly push everything bk into the deepest corners n start to build up d damn...leaving out only the happy memories...n hope to collect more happy memories...so that the next time d damn breaks....mayb...jst mayb...ill have more happy thoughts then painful thoughts...

a friends blog mentioned abt "when was the last time i was happy"...not to me personally...but jst generally...n its true...i cant pin point a specific time frame....but there r many moments of happiness...such as when im out with the guys jst chillin....when i help a fren througha difficult time...when everyone is together n enjoying themselves...

life is not defined by the number of breaths u take my dear friend...it is defined by the number of moments that take ur breath away...n thanks to u...n many others...im blessed in those moments....n i gain more n more of those moments every day...

Blessing = Curse

a smile.a face.a laugh.a hope.an inspiration.a blessing.

an intrusion.a distraction.a suffering.a curse.

its one way...at least i think it is...it started as an infatuation...but as she lingered in my mind more n more often...its gotten to more than that...now she puts a smile on my face in the morning and doesnt leave...then she stays there...n slowly n steadily...she becomes a distraction...

its painful cz i cant do nething abt it...its painful cz i didnt choose this...it jst happened...

its painful cz i would gv her the world if it wud mean she wud nvr b sad again...but at the same time...i cant gv her the world knowing that i wud have to take it away again in order to make others happy...others i have no choice but to keep happy due to my loyalty n love...

the gods bless us in the morning n curse us in the night....how true is this....sigh....so this is the path laid before me...where i suffer in silence...n hope that my closest of brothers n sisters can keep me from falling into the infinite darkness because of this...

on another note...sikh society agm was today....finally put that post to rest...now can jst chill as a normal member...shall still gv them full support...being in d board for a year has shown me how important support is n how hard it is to get...

The Line Went Dead

what have i done to deserve this?
for it to be done to me by d one closest to me?

all of a sudden....
silence....
no phone calls....
no reply to smses....
no more chats on MSN....
no answers to my phone calls....


has he proven that not all bonds last forever?
has he abandoned all we have done together?
has he forgotten all we have gone through together?

m i jst sum1 he calls when he is in trouble?
m i jst sum1 who is there for d bad times?
m i jst sum1 to clean up d mess?

i need reassuarance....
as weak as it may make me seem....
i need to noe it was not all nothing....


they say its d ppl closest to us we tend to forget n lose....
is that wut it is?
have i gotten to close?
have i been forgotten?
have i been lost?