Penang Again and a Clearer Head

so i went to penang again for the weekend....was invited by rene to watch d meteor shower...decided to go...what the hell rite?i din have nething to do in ipoh anyway...

so 1stly...d meteor shower din really work out...there was too much cloud cover (thanx to sum1 i shall not name here but u noe who u r..:P)...but other than that...it was a great trip...penang as usual offered loads of good food...n with rene has host..u cant really go wrong...he knows all the best places...so we basicly spent the whole 2 days plus eating n driving arnd looking for more places to eat...of course....we also spent a huge portion of our time poking goay n lengz...IN A TOTALLY INNOCENT N NON-SEXUAL WAY!!!!i noe most of u noe me too welll n will automatically associate poking with smth dirty...lol..but overall...it was a really great trip...thanx to all that were there that made it great...rene....bee chin...goay...n of course lengz...:D

now abt a d clearer head...had a talk with her abt y things happened the way they did....y she said certain things that gave me hope...n there was a lot of apology going on as well....me apologizing for fucking things up...she apologizing if she had confused me or given me the wrong signals...it basicly ended up with her leaving things up to me...saying that if i wanted her to stay away, she would...n if i could handle being jst friends...that would work for her too....honestly...i have no idea where i stand...part of me says i can stomach being jst her friend...but d other part of me jst crumbles every time i see her or talk to her...

but wut i do noe is this...i aint changing...the year is coming to an end...n i've learnt this year that im happy with who i am...n if that means i meant to be jst a friend to all the girls...then so be it...i aint changing jst to get a girl...n for now...its pretty obvious i aint getting one...im too choosy for my own good...

d majority of my race r either toooo down to earth n go to temple every week or have their noses waaaayyyy high in the air...none of them have a sense of humour that can really make me laugh....n the only girls that do fulfill this smallest of criterias are all not of my race...n all only think of me as a friend...so be it...so for now...

i've cut my heart out n dipped it in liquid nitrogen so that it is frozen....encased it in reinforced granite....locked it a titanium impenetrable safe...thrown d safe to d deepest darkest corner of my soul...n destroyed d key to d safe...so that it cant be mysteriously found by sum random person...but instead d person who really is supposed to have my heart will have to forge a new key to pry my heart out of its hiding place...

i wish dat person all d luck in the world....but until she comes along...im free...im gonna do wut i want...i gonna flirt with anyone n everyone....n i dun care abt the consequences anymore...i've been hurt enough jst cz i was being d nice guy....now im done being the nice guy....so if ur flirting with me...be warned...if u get burned...it aint my problem....

A Haunting

sleepless nights have been my curse....n when sleep does grace me with its presence...its brings along its good friend nightmare...n not just 1 nightmare that ends...but a whole lot of nightmares that keep going over n over again like a broken record...

lies n deceits...an intricate web that has been woven over time...all to give me hope that was never there...like showing a man the light at the end of the tunnel while keeping him trapped in a cage at the darkest corner of the tunnel....

anger...spite...bitterness....depression....all the different heads of the monster called failure...the monster whose only weapon is lies n deceit...n who feeds on the suffering of the his victims...

the lies....

"ur a great guy"

"any girl would be lucky to have a guy like u"

"no one is unattainable"

all from different mouths...all speaking the same message of hope....

n then....

"ur just a friend"

"ur not my type"

from the same mouths that gave the hope above....

it can only mean one thing then cant it?the words above were lies...deceits...

lies and deceits that will haunt the victim...while he sits in his cage that is constantly shrinking...the light can no longer be seen...all that can be seen is the wave of bitterness n the ocean of spite that threatens to consume him while he is trapped....

with nowhere to run...n nowhere to hide...there is nothing he can do....

so engulfed he is...consumed by all the hatred...n finally...the devil in him awakens...for that is the devils place to thrive...hatred n anger n bitterness n spite are all the allies of the devil...no more place for love or happiness or goodness...

the man is lost...

the devil has awoken n taken over.

Life

i always play the silent game...nvr say nething...but u noe wut...this time i mite try smth slightly different...

go ahead...tell ur lies...do wut ever the fuck u wanna do...but if u really think its abt money...or its abt sum chick...ur dead wrong...it aint abt none of dat...its abt u nvr changing...u constantly taking advantage of people...

but if u cant see that...if u cant look past ur own misconceptions...dats ur fucking problem...i pity d ppl who are falling for ur crap...i really do...

after all i've done for u...u think i'd turn my back on family for money or for sum chick?ur dead wrong...clearly u nvr knew me...n i guess i nvr knew u...

there was nth for me to blame any1 for in d 1st place...it was my mistake...my prob..my shit...although...it wasnt after i cut u out dat i learnt u had long ago gone behind my back...stabbed me in d back n betrayed my trust....used me as a piece of gossip...spilt my secrets to the world out there...so fuck u....

to any1 else who is reading this...jst keep this in mind alrite...if after all those years of backing this person up...all bailing this person out of trouble time n again...spending all dat time n effort...n yet this person so easily can betray me...so easily can spill my secrets out...how long do u think it'll be before this person does d same to u....

dats for u to decide...to those who still got my back...i thank u...i appreciate every one of u...n to those who have no idea wuts going on...dun ask...esp dun ask me...jst accept dat me n this person have gone through a parting of ways..only those who are family noe my reasonings n motifs...n only they have the right to hear it from me...to the rest...its personal n its meant for family only...as rude as it may seem...im sorry...n i apologize to any of u dat got caught up in this unwillingly...

Today Is Not My Day

*this post has been edited because it was written in anger n i was way out of line...to those involved...i m truly sorry....this is a formal apology especially to my house mate who has been my friend for 4 years...n been through thick n thin with me...she is in every way my sister but for the blood that runs through my veins...*

i m a lucky person....i have always had an unusual amount of luck on my side....

but today it ran out...n god wasted no time in taking this small window of opportunity to throw every curse he could at me....it jst was not my day....

"the gods sometimes bless us in the morning and curse us at night"...its from troy...n how true it seems to me rite now...i shall call it a night...n pray that when i wake...the window has closed n my luck has come bk to me...

Off Loyalties, Trust and True Friends

Funny how my blog is again starting with a dark kinda post...my plast blog,located at http://idiot-jackass.blogs.friendster.com/this_is_for_me/ , also started with a dark post...ah well...i guess im jst dark...in more ways then one...considering im an indian...:D (yes goddamnit...im indian,black n damn well proud abt it!)

well...the move came as an unexpected surprise for...wanted to post a comment on a frens blog...ended up having to register wv blogspot...n rite at dat time sum ppl i did not want to have nething to do wv decided to post a comment on my blog which i cudnt remove...which would b the flaw of friendster blogs...

rite then...im gonna make it very clear rite here in my first post at blogspot...im kinda a loner...i have very few frens....but those that i have r loyal to me as i m to them...i would die for them n i noe they would do the same for me...i trust them wv everything n they me with everything...these are my true friends....my entended family...those i have chosen myself in my life...those that have n will walk through the very fires of hell with me when i go there at the end of the day to rule it....

as for other friends...i have a few...n im a very trusting person...but unfortunately...my trust wv normal frens is limited to one chance...if u ever betray my trust...ever...i will have nth to do wv u nemore...its very simple...i take enough shit from society on a day to day basis...if i cant trust d ppl arnd me...then im fucked...so if u betray me...i'd rather not have u arnd...n i dun care how much u think its unfair or that im being mean or wut evet d hell....its my life that hangs in d balance....its my choice....

so...jst in case that person particular person...u noe who u are...in case u have no shame n r still reading...remember this....i wan nth to do wv u...d deepest darkest corners of hell r reserved for traitors n mutineers...n if u keep bugging me...remember that at the end of the day,age,world...I will be the one who will b ruling hell wv my band of brothers....n i assure u i well trully make it sheer hell for u if u do not leave me alone....