Kuching

wow....i've been up n about running arnd all over the place....my latest stop was kuching....bk in iph now for a day or 2 n tmr im off to penang for a week...

so...kuching.....i havent been there for 2 1/2 years....a lot has changed since i last went bk...but d food is still the same...kolo mee....kampua mee....salad chicken rice....true sarawak laksa....absolutely amazing....

but at d same time...i realized that i probably wont b going bk anytime soon....1 week there...i met a lot of my old frens there...n sumhow...i think i dun have much connection with them anymore...they have walked a different path then me together...n i walked a completely different path all by myself...sigh....its funny how much death,despair n destruction can change the path u walk on....ppl there r still shielded from the bad bad world out there...in sum funny way...im happy for them...

neways.....tmr i leave for penang for a camp n to c FERDY!!!!!woooohoooo!!!!i miss him...i cant help myself...lol...its a welcome from d busy busyness from aiesec n website n stuff...granted the camp in penang is an aiesec camp lah...but still...it'll b more fun than sitting at d com trying to figure shit out...lol...

well....dats all for now...more updates when i get bk....hehe....ciaoz...

A Mixture of Things

well...its been quite sum time since i last posted sumthing up here...been quite bz...came bk from iph....realized dat d only things i truly miss in ipoh is my parents n my home....other than dat...there aint much left for me there...its been a week of realizations for me i think...realized things i din before...learnt stuff abt myself...jst lil things...lil things that seem easier to accept after all the other strings that were keeping me down were cut loose...

one of th main things i realized is that i have a 2nd degree family that sumhow squeezed its way up the list of my priorities...i mean...d top will always be my true family(ie mum,dad,bro,sis,aaron,varun,jim,ruben,ferdy,mich).....d 2nd was friends...which has kinda been bumped to 3rd place n now shares the same amount of priority as studies n aiesec....

so wut is this 2nd degree family im talking abt?they're basicly friends...jst that they have seen me through a lot...more than any of my friends have...but not nearly as much as my family has....so they're kinda in between...but each of their friendships has taught me alot in my life...n i cherish these friendships a lot....in case ur wondering...the ppl i consider my 2nd degree family wud be jill,pinkie,eelin,cheryl,eileng,jason ling,jitvern n yee hui.....so jst thought i'd let u guys noe dat u mean a lot to me...:D

besides that...i've realized i'm a lot more willing to learn stuff n tinker arnd wv things than i ever thought...i mean...being aiesec um's supposed "tech geek"...i was supposed to set up a website n stuff....been working on it...its still in d early stages....but d more i work on it...d more i wanna learn abt wut makes it tick...d more i wanna tinker wv it n change it...its kinda cool....hehe

n finally...dat im happy...jst d way i am...i can actually wake up everyday now not fret abt d past or d future dat much....no more dark morbid thoughts of what if i did dat or what if i do dat...its kinda refreshing...waking up each day...giving it d best i've got...n jst being happy...im a happy person...:D

well...i guess dats all for now....:)

p/s: get ur sorry ass bk here NOW angrymedic!!!it needs a whopping im ready to give!

Missing

it was there yesterday....n then...before i knew wut was happening...it was gone...woke up to day n realized it had a much bigger impact on me than i originally thought...so where do i go from here?im feeling lost again....sigh

Tension & Therapy

been having a lot of built up tension lately....nvr had the time to go shoot hoops...or there were nvr enough ppl....jst circumstances...i came bk to ipoh...parents got a cycling machine....so got on it...n started cycling...sure...it had some effect...but not nearly enough effect to help...n then it got me thinking...my sis put d idea in my head first...then i was having a "discussion" wv a fren about how gyms these days r kind of a con job....then she oso put d idea in my head.

so i decided...i need a proper output for my stress n tension...sum place i can let d devil out for short period of times...dat way he mite b more content...mite b easier to deal with stuff....

so...starting nxt sem...which is effectively in july...ill b signing up in one of those gym places...but not for d gym facilities at all....mainly to take up those bodycombat or kickboxing classes they have...i think dats a good effort for me...its can gv me d rite adrenalin push....it can gv me proper output of my tension n my stress...no need to hold bk nething....

on another note...i had a long talk wv my dad n cleared things up....things dat have been working on my mind....n now its all kinda clear...it was not for d reason my dad originally sed....so im kinda free...in a way...im not held by that barrier nemore...my parents will b happy as long as im sure im happy...so its a relieve....it really is....:D

Holidays??

well...since my last post...i've had a few really busy days...that doesnt really make it seem like im on a holiday....well except for the 1st part....so here goes...the past few days in a nutshell....

Booze Party

so on d 2nd of may i had d normal after exams celebrations...i mean...im indian...wut else do u expect except for a booze party rite?only diff is that instead of d normal 8 or 9 ppl...we had a good 15-20 ppl...yeah sure sum of them din drink...but that was like abt less than 5...n only coz they were muslim n cant really drink cz of their religion to begin with...but the fact dat they knew we were gonna booze n still came...made a big diff to me...n i really wanna thank them....mawar...alif...lia...

as usual...we had a few ppl who got drunk...a few punjabis who got drunk n did d completely embarrassing thing of acting gay n all...but hey...to each their own rite...lol...all in all...it was a really good nite...i enjoyed myself...even though jim n i had to refrain from getting drunk or even high for dat matter cz we had to take care of everyone...but d fact that everyone else had a good time...it felt good....i ended up sleeping at 5am....n waking up at 6am coz....

MT Interviews

well...as unbelievable as it still is...i did get into d AIESEC exec board(eb)....n as the eb...we held interview on d 3rd of may to choose our management team(mt)...we had to be in uni by 830am...n hence i was awake by 6am...to make sure dat d ppl who slept over d nite before got up n went home...cz half of d ppl at d booze party either were d interviewers or d ppl dat were gonna get interviewed...lol...but they still managed to come for d interviews in a very sober fashion....very impressed...

d interviews lasted till about 530pm...then we had to sit n decide who we were gonna take in n who we were gonna cut out...n then to plan for the following day...which is d next section...i finally got home n slept arnd 1230am...

Local Committee Planning Meet

basicly this thing called lcpm for short was held d day after d interviews....starting from arnd 8+am....all the way till abt 6+pm...basicly got all d successful applicants for mt together...n intro them to AIESEC n let them bond abit...it was quite fun...although tiring...but still....its all good...n at d same time i was having online transition wv my predecessor...who was telling me wut i need to do n such....so my work started then itself....ah well...which brings me to...

Going bk to Ipoh

finally....after abt 2 1/2 months...i finally came bk to ipoh...so much has changed....all of a sudden ipoh has so many traffic jams...everything is so crowded...even d simple coffee shops that used to be deserted on a saturday nite were packed to d brim....impossible to find parking...it was unbelievable...but still...its home sweet home....finally home...

Afraid of Sleep

as i sed in my previous post...i sum how lost myself this past year in uni...there r so many questions that have flooded my mind...during my exams...d devil in me wanted to come out...i thought it was jst d exams...but now...my exams r over...but the feeling is still there...i close my eyes...n he is there...fighting n struggling to come out....d devil dat ran amok till i was 14...that was finally binded with the help of my parents...now 8 years later...i've lost myself...n he is slowly creeping to d edge....n everytime i close my eyes...everytime i go to sleep...he gets 1 step closer to freeing himself...

i need help...i need to noe wuts wrong...i need to noe how to fix it...n i need to noe soon...b4 i fall bk into d darkness....i dun wan to be d one binded again....

u noe who u r...those who can help me...this is ur time to help me...this is a cry for help....

HELP ME!!!

Freedom

i finally finished my exams last nite....with that ends my exams...as well as my 2nd semester of year 2...which means i have completed 2 years of university...i actually survived....4 year course...at d half way marker now...heck...i survived 2 years...wuts another 2 rite?lol

so i spent most of today jst arranging all my notes into a box...getting my corner of the room into shape...jst stuff that has been left for so long...n then it hit me...im on holiday again...or so it seems...still got a lot of work to do for aiesec...finally got the time...need to set my year plan n go through transition...

but at d same time...there r things to look forward to...its d hols...this sat i go bk to ipoh...soon ferdy will b bk....n aaron...n of course kuching n camps...its d hols...varun will b down in ipoh as well...a lot to look forward to...

yet sum how...sum how im tired...im sick...im lost...smth went amiss sumwhere along the line this year...sumwhere...i dunno where....smth...i dunno wut...sum how..i dunno how...n i'm being hounded by questions that bring about more questions than they answer themselves...sigh...mayb its jst me...but smth is wrong sumwhere inside me....sumhow...i dunno how i let this happen....

ah well...holidays rite?