Time And Strength

d more time passes by...the stronger u get...

sumtimes u get strong enough that u believe if u cud go bk in time n fight a particular battle u lost before...then maybe at ur current strength u cud win d battle...not mayb...u noe u wud wni the battle...

but then again...time is a one way street...

whats past is past...it cant come bk...it wont come bk...so there really is no point looking bk is there?

oh well....

Updates

damn its been really really busy!!!!

first and MOST IMPORTANT update is.....

I'M AN UNCLE!!!!!!!!!:D:D:D:D:D



dats my nephew!!!isn't he jst sooooo cute??n adorable!!!:D:D:D

other than looking at him n visiting him...have been busy helping out with nlds preparation...

nlds basicly kick started for me on monday...n went all the way up to last sunday(9/12)....it was a really busy n hectic conference...but at d same time...it was amazing to meet up with old n new friends once again....

i wanna thank everybody that helped to make it a success....:D

clown...thank u very much....i noe u have a lot of problems going on in ur life rite now...but u made me smile...u gave me energy again...n i hope i managed to return d favour...my phone is always on if u need me...:)

UMers...esp d juniors...esp lih wey,conrad n fazreen....u guys were all amazing...u did everything we set out to last year but failed...its really inspiring to see how far u all have grown since you all started your journey in AIESEC....hope to c u all around more often in episodes...:)

i think dats all for now....

Guys Are Pathetic

discalimer : i realize that i AM a guy n this is pretty much shooting
myself in both feet with 1 bullet..but dats d way life is...


now ur probably wondering y im saying guys r pathetic rite?here is d reason...

we're big n tough n macho n all dat crap...put a person in our path that messes with us n poof...they r gone in an instant..we spare them no quarter...we jst tell them to go screw themselves and be on our way...happy as a kid with his lollipop...its all good...we get rid of the ppl that plague us in an instant...quick n efficient...no problems no qualms...simple as A B C...

however....

put a girl into d equation...n everything changes...i dun mean jst any random girl...i mean a girl we have feelings for...the whole equation changes...now...for some god forsaken reason..we jst CANT for the life of us tell her to go screw herself...we WANT to...but we jst CANT(partially cz we secretly want to be the one that screws her...literally of course no figuratively)...n even if we do manage to tell her to go screw herself...sooner or later..we're bk on d same horse again...figuratively speaking of course...coz girls arent horses...

but yeah...we always manage to get ourselves into the same shit over n over again...even if its not d exact same girl dat we're bending over to get screwed by...its d same type of girl...or d same situation...u know...same shit different day kinda scenario...always...n no guy...n i mean NO guy...not even the smoothest players can break away from this...

its jst pathetic...

Er...

read kennysia's blog and nicole's blog...it got me thinking...actually...more than those 2 got me thinking lah...

prisons are built to keep ppl in...but how do u keep ppl out?

i built a prison to keep myself in sum time ago...so as not to get hurt again...but im learning that while i keep myself locked up...ppl can still get in...n that they are doing...

live like ur going to die tmr and love like u've nvr been hurt...but how do u love like u've nvr been hurt?

if u've been hurt before...how do u really put aside all that hurt n jst jump again?i dont noe if i can do it...i dont noe if i shud...at this point...ruben...and im guessing aaron are already ready to give me really huge whacks in d back of my head...

but how do u noe when to jump and when not to jump...when to walk away n when to stand n fight?

those 2 blogs up there make it sound easy...jst sum tips here n there...but does it really work?is that really wut guys n girls think?

im still happy...but things that happen jst get me thinking...n i've always been the one that thinks to deeply into things...n it usually is nvr a good thing....

My Take On Heaven and Hell

disclaimer: this is my blog..n these r my thoughts...if they offend u, im sorry...but if think leaving sum mean comment or death threat is gonna make me change my post..U R WRONG!!so piss off.


this is my take on heaven and hell...honestly think abt it...who wud b dumb enough to take on God rite?realize also that catholics refer to to lucifer as the fallen angel..not the devil...so y is this?here is what i think....

one day, God came to lucifer...he came to lucifer because he knew among all the angels in heaven, lucifer was the most loyal n devoted of them all...he knew that lucifer would do nething for God n all God had to do was ask it of him...n God knew that of all the angels, lucifer was the only who had the strength to do this upcoming task..

so God says to lucifer "Lucifer, i need to put the delinquents from earth sum where...i cant let them into heaven because it would disrupt the eternal peace promised to the good people from earth...but i cannot simply place them anywhere because they mite rise against me."

to which lucifer replies "then God, what would u have me do?"

God looks at lucifer with pain in his eyes and says "Lucifer, i noe u r loyal to me...more than any other angel here. so i ask of u this...take ur most trusted generals and plot an uprising against me..fail in that upraising. the result will be that u will be banished to a place called hell..there, u and ur generals will rule the delinquents and ensure that heaven stays peaceful. can u do this for me?"

"Yes." replies lucifer...knowing that for his loyalty, not only him, but all of his most trusted generals were being banished from heaven...

so thay plotted and carried out Gods plans....they failed in the uprising as planned and were banished to hell...there they sat n ruled for many generations...until one day....

a man came down to hell...lucifer had heard of him...God had told lucifer of this man...this man walked into hell with a group of soldiers...he did wut no one had ever done before...he challenged lucifer...n there was war...a war which lucifer lost...his generals thrown down...n this new man took the throne of hell with his overlords...n he gives himself the title of "The Devil".

then quietly, he tells lucifer "God sent me from earth...he said u have suffered enough for him. the time has come for u to return to heaven n take ur place beside him. u,the most loyal of all his angels, will be rewarded beyond ur imagination. go now n take ur generals with u. go home to where u belong. hell is mine to watch over now."

lucifer looked surprised. he did not noe wut to say. finally he said "thank u. returning to heaven is already a reward beyond my imagination, i dont need another reward." he then took his generals n returned to heaven, to God with his arms opened wide to receive them.

every few generations...God picks a mortal...he makes that mortal go through hell on earth..n he shows the mortal the path to finding his own generals....so that when the mortal crosses over, he can walk into hell n relieve the current devil of his duties. to tell the devil that it was his time to carry on his journey n go to up to heaven to take his place beside God..n then the mortal will sit on the throne of hell with his overlords and wait for his replacement to arrive...

i have seen hell on earth...i have walked through the fires...and i have found my gernerals...u noe who u r....together we have been chosen...now u noe wut awaits u...do u have the strength to follow through?do u have the strength to carry out Gods wishes?search urself n search ur soul and u will find the answer..

Missing

it was there yesterday....n then...before i knew wut was happening...it was gone...woke up to day n realized it had a much bigger impact on me than i originally thought...so where do i go from here?im feeling lost again....sigh

Tension & Therapy

been having a lot of built up tension lately....nvr had the time to go shoot hoops...or there were nvr enough ppl....jst circumstances...i came bk to ipoh...parents got a cycling machine....so got on it...n started cycling...sure...it had some effect...but not nearly enough effect to help...n then it got me thinking...my sis put d idea in my head first...then i was having a "discussion" wv a fren about how gyms these days r kind of a con job....then she oso put d idea in my head.

so i decided...i need a proper output for my stress n tension...sum place i can let d devil out for short period of times...dat way he mite b more content...mite b easier to deal with stuff....

so...starting nxt sem...which is effectively in july...ill b signing up in one of those gym places...but not for d gym facilities at all....mainly to take up those bodycombat or kickboxing classes they have...i think dats a good effort for me...its can gv me d rite adrenalin push....it can gv me proper output of my tension n my stress...no need to hold bk nething....

on another note...i had a long talk wv my dad n cleared things up....things dat have been working on my mind....n now its all kinda clear...it was not for d reason my dad originally sed....so im kinda free...in a way...im not held by that barrier nemore...my parents will b happy as long as im sure im happy...so its a relieve....it really is....:D

Holidays??

well...since my last post...i've had a few really busy days...that doesnt really make it seem like im on a holiday....well except for the 1st part....so here goes...the past few days in a nutshell....

Booze Party

so on d 2nd of may i had d normal after exams celebrations...i mean...im indian...wut else do u expect except for a booze party rite?only diff is that instead of d normal 8 or 9 ppl...we had a good 15-20 ppl...yeah sure sum of them din drink...but that was like abt less than 5...n only coz they were muslim n cant really drink cz of their religion to begin with...but the fact dat they knew we were gonna booze n still came...made a big diff to me...n i really wanna thank them....mawar...alif...lia...

as usual...we had a few ppl who got drunk...a few punjabis who got drunk n did d completely embarrassing thing of acting gay n all...but hey...to each their own rite...lol...all in all...it was a really good nite...i enjoyed myself...even though jim n i had to refrain from getting drunk or even high for dat matter cz we had to take care of everyone...but d fact that everyone else had a good time...it felt good....i ended up sleeping at 5am....n waking up at 6am coz....

MT Interviews

well...as unbelievable as it still is...i did get into d AIESEC exec board(eb)....n as the eb...we held interview on d 3rd of may to choose our management team(mt)...we had to be in uni by 830am...n hence i was awake by 6am...to make sure dat d ppl who slept over d nite before got up n went home...cz half of d ppl at d booze party either were d interviewers or d ppl dat were gonna get interviewed...lol...but they still managed to come for d interviews in a very sober fashion....very impressed...

d interviews lasted till about 530pm...then we had to sit n decide who we were gonna take in n who we were gonna cut out...n then to plan for the following day...which is d next section...i finally got home n slept arnd 1230am...

Local Committee Planning Meet

basicly this thing called lcpm for short was held d day after d interviews....starting from arnd 8+am....all the way till abt 6+pm...basicly got all d successful applicants for mt together...n intro them to AIESEC n let them bond abit...it was quite fun...although tiring...but still....its all good...n at d same time i was having online transition wv my predecessor...who was telling me wut i need to do n such....so my work started then itself....ah well...which brings me to...

Going bk to Ipoh

finally....after abt 2 1/2 months...i finally came bk to ipoh...so much has changed....all of a sudden ipoh has so many traffic jams...everything is so crowded...even d simple coffee shops that used to be deserted on a saturday nite were packed to d brim....impossible to find parking...it was unbelievable...but still...its home sweet home....finally home...

Afraid of Sleep

as i sed in my previous post...i sum how lost myself this past year in uni...there r so many questions that have flooded my mind...during my exams...d devil in me wanted to come out...i thought it was jst d exams...but now...my exams r over...but the feeling is still there...i close my eyes...n he is there...fighting n struggling to come out....d devil dat ran amok till i was 14...that was finally binded with the help of my parents...now 8 years later...i've lost myself...n he is slowly creeping to d edge....n everytime i close my eyes...everytime i go to sleep...he gets 1 step closer to freeing himself...

i need help...i need to noe wuts wrong...i need to noe how to fix it...n i need to noe soon...b4 i fall bk into d darkness....i dun wan to be d one binded again....

u noe who u r...those who can help me...this is ur time to help me...this is a cry for help....

HELP ME!!!

Freedom

i finally finished my exams last nite....with that ends my exams...as well as my 2nd semester of year 2...which means i have completed 2 years of university...i actually survived....4 year course...at d half way marker now...heck...i survived 2 years...wuts another 2 rite?lol

so i spent most of today jst arranging all my notes into a box...getting my corner of the room into shape...jst stuff that has been left for so long...n then it hit me...im on holiday again...or so it seems...still got a lot of work to do for aiesec...finally got the time...need to set my year plan n go through transition...

but at d same time...there r things to look forward to...its d hols...this sat i go bk to ipoh...soon ferdy will b bk....n aaron...n of course kuching n camps...its d hols...varun will b down in ipoh as well...a lot to look forward to...

yet sum how...sum how im tired...im sick...im lost...smth went amiss sumwhere along the line this year...sumwhere...i dunno where....smth...i dunno wut...sum how..i dunno how...n i'm being hounded by questions that bring about more questions than they answer themselves...sigh...mayb its jst me...but smth is wrong sumwhere inside me....sumhow...i dunno how i let this happen....

ah well...holidays rite?

Gloomy Day

dats pretty much wut it looks like outside my window....d gloominess i mean...sigh...its such a gloomy day....n its making me even gloomier...so lazy to do my work...its d kinda day u jst wanna curl up n bed n stay there....

but i cant...got exam on fri n sat....n today is tues....fri paper 90% done already so thats all good...

but sats paper...basic electronics....oh my god...so many things....this current n that voltage...wut in gods green earth possessed me to take this subject??learning abt current saturation till even my brain got saturated..sigh...

i hate gloomy days....i hate exams....i hate slumps....i hate that my friends have problems n i cant help them....its jst a gloomy day making me hate everything from the dark clouds to where i m in my life rite now...

did i mention i hate gloomy days??

Experiments Of A Free Mind

so thats that...i woke up today and realized that the chaos was gone from my mind...there is nth left there...as suddenly as it came,it went...so it was that simple after all...ah well...now atleast i can focus on getting better n slamming my head against those books...yes...i've resorted to aarons attempts of osmosis studying...only because i have no idea how else to study java programming....of all d dumb courses i could have taken,y did i have to choose that???ah well...at least its only 1 semester...

as far as d experiments part go...i actually attempted to post this particular post in a foreign language...but after translating it to different languages and then bk again to english as wut u ppl wud have done to read it...i realized that the content was completely skewed n made not much sense wut so ever...n cud in fact have given d wrong impression...so i decided to stick to english..lol

well...dats all for now...shall go n do my work...which is wut u bums shud b doing instead of reading this....any excuse to get away from work will do wont it?u lazy slackers...although im also one of them lah...lol...yeah...i realize im rambling again...lol

I'm Sick

thats rite....its exam time...n im sick....cant believe it...i took such good care...ate my meals...ensured they were balanced....had proper sleep...granted i had stuff on my mind lah...but still...that chaos in my mind is d welcome comfort i feel that gives my d extra concentration i need during my exams...wut can i say...im a maths student through n through....i find comfort n solace in chaos...it gives me smth to fix n solve...so that cant b the cause...ah yes...after all the care...i skipped dinner jst one day...jst one meal...n the very nxt day my body was reacting already...ended up sleeping alot...woke up today wv sore throat n a mild flu...how nice...jst goes to show doesnt it...all u need is one moment of carelessness n all the carefulness goes down d drain...sigh...hope it doesnt last long....exams start on thurs...

The Fine Line

for those of u who dont noe or dun read manga...the person above is ichigo kurosaki from bleach...this pic depicts his constant n never ending battle between his conscious self n the demon that lies dormant within him....always in a fight there is a fine line between him winning himself or the demon taking over....the manga chronicles his life walking that fine line at all times...the fine line between the triumph of good or the destruction that evil will bring...

im treading on a few fine lines myself...so i feel sum kind of connection to this character...its exams season again...the pressure is building...n im walking the fine line between genius n insanity....concentrating all my will to stay out of the insanity zone...to not let the ever looming darkness swallow me up...

at the same time...im walking another fine line...a line not chosen by myself but another for me...a fine line between inspiration and distraction...at which point does the girl that puts a smile on my face change from being an inspiration to being a distraction?at which point is she entering n wandering through my mind too often?

im not alone...many others walk these and many other fine lines everyday...sum how its so real that its scary...that these fine lines...so fine u can hardly even see them....that sumthing so fine can make d difference between greatness and destruction...the difference between love and hate...the difference between comfort and awkwardness...the difference between happily ever after and suicidal thoughts....all because of a fine line we cant even see...

will u let the demon within u win?or will u fight it with everything u've got?

Wandering Mind

we had a small "farewell" for goay imm last nite at our place....not that she is going newhere indefinitely...jst leaving today to bangkok for a holiday...but it was excuse enough to gather our frens n jst chill...it was really nice...cool kinda actually....jst to have everyone there n talking n watching tv n eating...

bk to d title...i noe i've sed i'm walking the single path...i noe she mite b reading...but i cant help it...i hv failed as far as she goes...i cud not find any solid connection...merely on the surface things...simply put...there is hardly any chemistry between us...if any at all...

on d flip side...there is another who keeps popping in n out of my mind...not that there is any hope there either...she too is out of my league for many different reasons starting wv parental consent all the way to d fact dat she way much higher than i'll ever b in the social n beauty strata...

ah well....at worse i can always shave my head,don an orange robe n go sit on d mountains...lol...neway....its exams season...got keep my head straight n focus on my studies...but ill say this...its a welcome feeling to wake with 1 specific person in mind...to have her sweet smile linger in my mind before i truly resign myself to the dull day dat lies ahead of me...to hv her face pop in my mind when im stressed...jst to relieve sum pressure n put a smile on my face...

so to u...my "ilham"..thank u for giving me smth to smile abt...even though u dun even realize it..:)

A Blur

as the title says...the past week has been kind of a blur...had 2 tests on monday...n from last thurs-sat had young visionaries project kick-start...so i guess ill start wv YV...

so there was a carnival on thurs and friday...everything went well...not as many people as we would have hoped...but all in all it was good...there was a stall doing henna tattoos...n me being the git i am...i actually went n got one....will post up a pic as soon as i figure out how to do it....hehe...then came the charity concert on saturday nite...charity cz YV is a community based project and all proceeds go to the 2 orphanages adopted by aiesec UM...the concert in itself was great....had sum really cool underground bands....but the highlight of d night was juwita suwito...n she definitely was a highlight...the minute she started singing...i got goosebumps all over...her voice was beautiful....really amazing....n even in person...she is so down to earth n nice...even managed to get an autograph from her n a pic wv her...:D

now d probs...i was in d technical room as a volunteer...the only person from d organizing committee(OC) that was there was thini...n im very sorry to say this...but she had no idea wut she was doing...n if its not bad enough that she kept disappearing during rehearsals,she thought it would b fine to act like d boss of d place on d actual night itself...she failed to line up the songs in the correct order and get them ready for the opening ceremony....and if that isnt bad enough...while mich,jim n me r trying to fix d prob...not only is she not helping...she keeps getting in the way....seriously...i was damn pissed at that point....it didnt help that one of d computers was running on windows vista which moves slower than a snail and cant multitask to save its life....honestly....geez....

oh did i mention that shamser sidhu was there as 1 of the MCs?yeah...he was...n guess wut...HE IS A FREAKING IDIOT!!!so damn full of himself...d bloody idiot left in the middle of one of the performances telling the other MC he had to go send his fren to klia...n he din bother to mention this to any of the OCs of the night....n on top of that he complained that "he doesnt do small crowds"....wut a f#@*ing retard man....

well...that was that then....went home...slept...woke up on sunday and in aarons own words "started smacking my head against my book hoping all the info will seep in through osmosis or smth"...haha...but overall the tests werent too bad...n now its exactly 3 weeks to my finals....n i've got elections this saturday...god help me...im gonna be so stretched all over again...:|

well...thats all for now folks...:)

My Nuts Went On A Holiday

interesting topic no?well....dats pretty much wut happened to me...my balls decided to go on holiday...without giving me any notice wut so ever...n they decided to leave on this holiday when i needed them the most.....

if this isnt god going "JUST FOR THE FUN OF IT..."(in a very indian accent)...what is?

so basicly u shud already have figured out by now that to sum degree this is abt me n a girl...n me freezing up in front of her...in my defence...her parents were oso there...as were mine...dun get me wrong...its not like i've nvr spoken to her in my life...i have...quite abit..jst on msn n sms....not in real life...

n she is amazing....nice girl...very charming personality...witty...beautiful...hot...did i mention she has a great personality?well...u get d picture....so there is her...n then there is me...jst me...plain n simple...taking 1 day at a time...jst straight wacky me...jst sum how when she stood in front of me...blankness...gone...empty...very disappointed in myself right now...no idea what went wrong...though im guessing mayb i jst expected too much out of myself...n mayb there were too many ppl there jst trying too hard to push me in dat direction...that they(not her) expected more out of me...not to say she din expect more...im pretty sure she did...heck...i expected more out of me...n now im jst rambling again...dont u jst hate it when u go around rambling in circles n dun make any sense at all?damn...rambling again...

well...got another chance coming up...i think...hope i dont fuck it up again...no plan is d best plan i think u noe...jst go there...zero expectations...jst b myself...n c wut comes out of it...end of d day...i do wut i can...leave d rest up to d big man up there...he is supposed to have a plan for each one of us...SUPPOSED being the very big keyword here....im rambling again arent i?wish me luck...

(in case any of u are wondering....yes,i do realize dat she could very well b reading this...in which case...i can only pray for best...though if god is in one of his "jst for d fun of it" moods...which apparently he is....then im screwed neway...im screwed arent i?im rambling again arent i?)