Penang Again and a Clearer Head

so i went to penang again for the weekend....was invited by rene to watch d meteor shower...decided to go...what the hell rite?i din have nething to do in ipoh anyway...

so 1stly...d meteor shower din really work out...there was too much cloud cover (thanx to sum1 i shall not name here but u noe who u r..:P)...but other than that...it was a great trip...penang as usual offered loads of good food...n with rene has host..u cant really go wrong...he knows all the best places...so we basicly spent the whole 2 days plus eating n driving arnd looking for more places to eat...of course....we also spent a huge portion of our time poking goay n lengz...IN A TOTALLY INNOCENT N NON-SEXUAL WAY!!!!i noe most of u noe me too welll n will automatically associate poking with smth dirty...lol..but overall...it was a really great trip...thanx to all that were there that made it great...rene....bee chin...goay...n of course lengz...:D

now abt a d clearer head...had a talk with her abt y things happened the way they did....y she said certain things that gave me hope...n there was a lot of apology going on as well....me apologizing for fucking things up...she apologizing if she had confused me or given me the wrong signals...it basicly ended up with her leaving things up to me...saying that if i wanted her to stay away, she would...n if i could handle being jst friends...that would work for her too....honestly...i have no idea where i stand...part of me says i can stomach being jst her friend...but d other part of me jst crumbles every time i see her or talk to her...

but wut i do noe is this...i aint changing...the year is coming to an end...n i've learnt this year that im happy with who i am...n if that means i meant to be jst a friend to all the girls...then so be it...i aint changing jst to get a girl...n for now...its pretty obvious i aint getting one...im too choosy for my own good...

d majority of my race r either toooo down to earth n go to temple every week or have their noses waaaayyyy high in the air...none of them have a sense of humour that can really make me laugh....n the only girls that do fulfill this smallest of criterias are all not of my race...n all only think of me as a friend...so be it...so for now...

i've cut my heart out n dipped it in liquid nitrogen so that it is frozen....encased it in reinforced granite....locked it a titanium impenetrable safe...thrown d safe to d deepest darkest corner of my soul...n destroyed d key to d safe...so that it cant be mysteriously found by sum random person...but instead d person who really is supposed to have my heart will have to forge a new key to pry my heart out of its hiding place...

i wish dat person all d luck in the world....but until she comes along...im free...im gonna do wut i want...i gonna flirt with anyone n everyone....n i dun care abt the consequences anymore...i've been hurt enough jst cz i was being d nice guy....now im done being the nice guy....so if ur flirting with me...be warned...if u get burned...it aint my problem....

Updates

damn its been really really busy!!!!

first and MOST IMPORTANT update is.....

I'M AN UNCLE!!!!!!!!!:D:D:D:D:D



dats my nephew!!!isn't he jst sooooo cute??n adorable!!!:D:D:D

other than looking at him n visiting him...have been busy helping out with nlds preparation...

nlds basicly kick started for me on monday...n went all the way up to last sunday(9/12)....it was a really busy n hectic conference...but at d same time...it was amazing to meet up with old n new friends once again....

i wanna thank everybody that helped to make it a success....:D

clown...thank u very much....i noe u have a lot of problems going on in ur life rite now...but u made me smile...u gave me energy again...n i hope i managed to return d favour...my phone is always on if u need me...:)

UMers...esp d juniors...esp lih wey,conrad n fazreen....u guys were all amazing...u did everything we set out to last year but failed...its really inspiring to see how far u all have grown since you all started your journey in AIESEC....hope to c u all around more often in episodes...:)

i think dats all for now....

Slipping

in n out of consciousness....

in n out of sanity....

in n out of depression....

my mind is a wreck....

my life is a mess....

one minute i'm fine n happy....d next thing i know i'm down n gloomy....

i don't know how much fight i have left in me...sometimes it just seems so much easier to give in to it all....to give up on everything...love, life...just everything.....

i'm sick of crawling on the edges between light n dark....

sick of my mind playing games on me....

sick of facing people....

sick of wearing a stupid mask....

the things that used to be a comfort to me somehow no longer are a comfort...

i shy away from friends....afraid of myself n how i might screw myself over again....

i shy away from family....afraid that i'll be seen as just annoying.....

i shy away from alcohol....afraid of the nightmares it may bring....

i shy away from myself....afraid of my mind n its games....

i shy away from society....afraid that i may end up a shadow among the crowd like d rest of them....

i shy away from life....afraid of what pain it has in store for me next....

the walls are closing in....n the lights are getting dimmer....

how much more fight i have left in me i do not know....

i pray for strength....

i pray for courage....

i pray for faith....

i pray my prayers are answered....for if not...then there is nothing left to fight for....

FREEDOM!!!!....and a job!!!

thats rite baby!!!!IM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!whoop-ti-do!!!*starts doing back flips*

i've been slogging so long for these exams it aint funny man.....n im so happy they r over...whether or not i do well this sem...i dont noe...n really dun care nemore...the subjects were murderous n the papers were even more so...now its all in gods hands....im gonna sit bk n enjoy me hols....

i started my hols wv a job.....thats rite ppl...I worked!!unbelievable?believe it...

it was a part time facilitating job....a program done by a group of trainers from learning@vantage for GlaxoSmithKlein for their team building n leadership...it was held in A'Famosa resort...n it was great!!!!

as a faci...my work was actually very minimal...we jst acted as a support for the trainers...help them to do little things here n there...run here n there...but we were left quite free....i managed to learn loads from the games they played and the sessions they had for the GSK employees...it has to be one of the best jobs i've ever heard of....

we got to stay in the A'Famosa Resort....the room was beautiful...with a view of the hills....the food was pretty good....hotel style buffet breakfast n lunch everyday....1st nite was an opening dinner buffet style with free flow booze...

the second nite was amazing....GSK had bought us ticket to enter the Cowboy Town.....we had a buffet dinner there where there was free flow beer....we even got to go watch the parade n fireworks....they even paid for us to watch the 4d haunted house show....

COST
abt rm100 for my toll n petrol to drive there n back as well as my 3 days energy running here n there.

INCOME
shit loads of learning as well as experience of my 1st job...2 nights stay in A'Famosa resort..all those buffet meals n beer...fireworks show n parade tickets....4d haunted house tickets...meeting of new friends...n on top of all that...rm600 facilitators fee n rm200 reimbursement for my costs of driving there n back.

now tell me...isnt dat like one of d best paid jobs a uni student can hope to get???hahahahahaha

A Haunting

sleepless nights have been my curse....n when sleep does grace me with its presence...its brings along its good friend nightmare...n not just 1 nightmare that ends...but a whole lot of nightmares that keep going over n over again like a broken record...

lies n deceits...an intricate web that has been woven over time...all to give me hope that was never there...like showing a man the light at the end of the tunnel while keeping him trapped in a cage at the darkest corner of the tunnel....

anger...spite...bitterness....depression....all the different heads of the monster called failure...the monster whose only weapon is lies n deceit...n who feeds on the suffering of the his victims...

the lies....

"ur a great guy"

"any girl would be lucky to have a guy like u"

"no one is unattainable"

all from different mouths...all speaking the same message of hope....

n then....

"ur just a friend"

"ur not my type"

from the same mouths that gave the hope above....

it can only mean one thing then cant it?the words above were lies...deceits...

lies and deceits that will haunt the victim...while he sits in his cage that is constantly shrinking...the light can no longer be seen...all that can be seen is the wave of bitterness n the ocean of spite that threatens to consume him while he is trapped....

with nowhere to run...n nowhere to hide...there is nothing he can do....

so engulfed he is...consumed by all the hatred...n finally...the devil in him awakens...for that is the devils place to thrive...hatred n anger n bitterness n spite are all the allies of the devil...no more place for love or happiness or goodness...

the man is lost...

the devil has awoken n taken over.

Now I'm Done

thats right....

NOW i'm done...

now i'm breaking free...

now its over...its jst soooo over...

no more girls....fullstop...

im locking me heart away once n for all....

its d only way....

i'm done being screwed...

i'm done with all this shit...

its over...

n I"M DONE!!!

Guys Are Pathetic

discalimer : i realize that i AM a guy n this is pretty much shooting
myself in both feet with 1 bullet..but dats d way life is...


now ur probably wondering y im saying guys r pathetic rite?here is d reason...

we're big n tough n macho n all dat crap...put a person in our path that messes with us n poof...they r gone in an instant..we spare them no quarter...we jst tell them to go screw themselves and be on our way...happy as a kid with his lollipop...its all good...we get rid of the ppl that plague us in an instant...quick n efficient...no problems no qualms...simple as A B C...

however....

put a girl into d equation...n everything changes...i dun mean jst any random girl...i mean a girl we have feelings for...the whole equation changes...now...for some god forsaken reason..we jst CANT for the life of us tell her to go screw herself...we WANT to...but we jst CANT(partially cz we secretly want to be the one that screws her...literally of course no figuratively)...n even if we do manage to tell her to go screw herself...sooner or later..we're bk on d same horse again...figuratively speaking of course...coz girls arent horses...

but yeah...we always manage to get ourselves into the same shit over n over again...even if its not d exact same girl dat we're bending over to get screwed by...its d same type of girl...or d same situation...u know...same shit different day kinda scenario...always...n no guy...n i mean NO guy...not even the smoothest players can break away from this...

its jst pathetic...

Exams

i hate exams....its like a repetitive cycle of birth n death...u die one day during an exam...only to be born again after that jst to die again in the next exam...its extremely annoying...well...at least for now...IM FREE!!!!

well...that is till next week when my next paper decides to come n haunt me again...like the grim reaper coming for tea...jst dat i dun make tea...well...at least not for the grim reaper...dat wud be like inviting death to stay...

but...until then...i can frolic around like a pansy ass idiot...not dat i m...but im jst saying i could...if i wanted to that is...but instead here i m messing wv my blog....u noe...the usual...adding LINKS...since Angeline complained that i havent linked her here yet...well...now i have...nicely linked her as Sarcastic Angeline...only cz her blogs name is Sarcasm is Beauty...hehe

n tmr is deepavali...or is it the next day?...oh well...smth like dat...basicly its a perfect excuse to drink...n with a party at my sister in laws parents house tmr nite...followed by a party at my cousins house on fri nite...dats a whole lot of drinking!!!wooooo-hooooo!!!!

well....i guess dats all for now....maybe ill tinker more tmr...got a couple of other add-ons suggested by angeline....if i see fit...haha...

tata...:D

Er...

read kennysia's blog and nicole's blog...it got me thinking...actually...more than those 2 got me thinking lah...

prisons are built to keep ppl in...but how do u keep ppl out?

i built a prison to keep myself in sum time ago...so as not to get hurt again...but im learning that while i keep myself locked up...ppl can still get in...n that they are doing...

live like ur going to die tmr and love like u've nvr been hurt...but how do u love like u've nvr been hurt?

if u've been hurt before...how do u really put aside all that hurt n jst jump again?i dont noe if i can do it...i dont noe if i shud...at this point...ruben...and im guessing aaron are already ready to give me really huge whacks in d back of my head...

but how do u noe when to jump and when not to jump...when to walk away n when to stand n fight?

those 2 blogs up there make it sound easy...jst sum tips here n there...but does it really work?is that really wut guys n girls think?

im still happy...but things that happen jst get me thinking...n i've always been the one that thinks to deeply into things...n it usually is nvr a good thing....

AMAN 2007

sat nite was AMAN 2007...it was AIESEC Malaysia Awards Night...n it was a black tie event...u noe wut that means rite?bingo!!all d girls were dresses to kill...n that they certainly were...d night was good n fun...n after dat we went to asian heritage row for clubbing...n then to devis for supper...we only ended up reaching home arnd 5am...it was absolutely great...n of course..pictures!!hehe

thats me in ma white suit..:)

julie,me n bee chin

the lovely hot ladies of LCUM

me n rene

me,ruben,laygeen,nadine,listya,rene,goay n jasmine

alif n lia performing

LCUMs arrival..rene is missing sumwhere

kevin,me,daryl n foo cheong

random picture

yeah...sum of d pics i aint in d white nemore cz i change after d event was over to jeans for clubbing...hehe

Woo-Hoo!!!

hehe...yes yes...m still in happy happy mode...esp since my mum is down this week...went shopping...bought loads of stuff...padini having sales...so i got 2 shirts n 2 t-shirts at 50% off...love them...seriously love them...dats d great thing abt having mum here...she takes care of everything...hehe...:D

n d reason my mum is down?its coz im an UNCLE!!!haha...1st nephew on my mum side jst came into d world not too long ago....n my cousin is down with her newborn son...so mums down to c d baby n help her out...n since im d driver...i get to c d baby too!!!n they actually let me hold him...hehe

dammit...wanted to post pics of little arman musa...but blogger acting up so i cant...oh well...next time i guess...

lets see...besides that...went to kuala selangor with rene,ruben,goay,nadine,lisum n laygeen on monday...stayed d nite there...n since tuesday was nadines bday...we got her cake...n celebrated there...again...blogger acting up...cant post pics...but u can go to youtube n look for user luciferloki84 n enjoy d videos...

overall the trip to kuala selangor was absolutely excellent...it was great bonding time...i had loads of fun...even when we were doing work it was actually fun...not boring n mundane like how it tends to get after sum time when we do it here in kl...haha

n tmr nite is AMAN...all d unis aiesecers will be getting together...gonna be fun seeing all my old long lost frens again...really looking forward to it...hehe

Tagged

Seven things to be done before my death.
1) have a family
2) buy my slk200k
3) finish my tattoos
4) get my dream job
5) own an island i can use as a getaway to die peacefully...hehe
6)
7)

Seven things I will not do even if it kills me.
1) betray family
2) ruin familys rep
3) Backstabing
4) eat worms
5) simply jump into a rship
6) no idea
7) no idea

Seven things I do when I'm away from the public.
1) if i do it away from public means i dun wan ne1 to noe...so y would i put it here??


Seven fave sentences/quotes/expressions
1) what the fuck??
2) tiu nia mah
3) huh?
4) rite...
5) im soooo gonna whoop ur ass
6) r u ok ah??
7)


Seven songs
1) how far we've come
2) bleed it out
3) everyday
4) everything
5) if ur gone
6) mungkin
7) first time


Seven things I'll make you wish you didn't do if you did.
1) betray me
2) screw my family over
3) mistaking my kindness as a weakness
4) bitch abt ppl i care abt in front of me
5) piss me off
6)
7)


Seven people to tag
1) not really into tagging ppl...so if ur interested...ur tagged..hehe
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)

I'm HAPPY!!!!

yup...das rite...im happy...i dont noe when or how or why...but suddenly im back...im happy...jst plain happy...

its not to say i dun have a care in d world anymore...i still have exams to worry abt...still got aiesec work to do...but sum how...

im happy...

i no longer depend on others to make me happy...m back to dat stage where im content...n happy...

after all the heart aches n trials n tribulations...after all that being in the "family orientated" phase...by this i mean the whole "grad,get married,have kids n family" orientation....suddenly im not like that any more...suddenly i couldnt gv 2 hoots abt girls or relationships...

now its me time...its my life...my goals...n i can see them...my graduation...my professional exams...my big fat salary...my slk200k...all within reach...n it feels damn good i tell u...i cant remember the last time i was this happy....

to be honest...its better than the happiness i felt while i was in a relationship....this happiness dates abck to when i was bk in switzerland...n when i jst got back...when i knew who i was...when everything jst fit...n i accepted who i was...

so there u have it...IM BACK!!!n im HAPPY!!!seriously...pure unadulterated happiness....:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

A Very Eventful Week

stuff in d previous post aside...dat person is no longer of consequence to me...its been a very eventful week....

1st i had 3 midsem tests....back to back...tues,wed n thurs...which was crap to say d least...but i think i did pretty well...

on tues nite...we went for our EB meet...which suddenly changed location from aiesec office to food foundry...this really nice place wv really expensive food...n then rene told us dinner was on him...a form of rewards n recognition for the work we have been doing...THANKS RENE!!!:D

n then..i started talking wv one of my lecturers...cz next sem im supposed to do my industrial training...n its gonna be for 16 weeks...and since im in aiesec, there is actually a chance for me to do it overseas...so kinda in talks with my dept abt that...kinda excited!!:)

rene also mentioned to me that there will be a conference in bandung, indonesia from the 22nd-26th of november...its a Information System in AIESEC Conference...special to my particular functional area in aiesec currently...YAY!!!!:)...now i just need to convince my parents to let me go....sand,sea n shopping!!!!woo hoo!!!!:D

at the end of the week...Career Path had their bonding camp in gombak...now originally i didnt want to go...i had an invitation to go for another camp which was looking more promising with the possibility of alc...and also i have 2 tests this week...but i went to gombak anyway...to show my support for them...n i was glad...

the place was amazing...in the middle of the jungle...it was so quiet n peaceful n serene....there was a pool there...and a river from a waterfall behind the lodge...the camp schedule was very relaxing...the waterfall was amazing...going against the current...working ur way to the top...it was really amazing...getting to noe the new juniors n members...the people who were in this project...their energy...it was really amazing...

n now im bk...the camp was excellent...i feel rejuvenated...my energy level is up all the way again...i can focus properly on my coming tests...my mind is at rest...i havent felt this way in a long time...n its exactly how i need to feel facing the 2 papers i have to sit for this week...:D

Life

i always play the silent game...nvr say nething...but u noe wut...this time i mite try smth slightly different...

go ahead...tell ur lies...do wut ever the fuck u wanna do...but if u really think its abt money...or its abt sum chick...ur dead wrong...it aint abt none of dat...its abt u nvr changing...u constantly taking advantage of people...

but if u cant see that...if u cant look past ur own misconceptions...dats ur fucking problem...i pity d ppl who are falling for ur crap...i really do...

after all i've done for u...u think i'd turn my back on family for money or for sum chick?ur dead wrong...clearly u nvr knew me...n i guess i nvr knew u...

there was nth for me to blame any1 for in d 1st place...it was my mistake...my prob..my shit...although...it wasnt after i cut u out dat i learnt u had long ago gone behind my back...stabbed me in d back n betrayed my trust....used me as a piece of gossip...spilt my secrets to the world out there...so fuck u....

to any1 else who is reading this...jst keep this in mind alrite...if after all those years of backing this person up...all bailing this person out of trouble time n again...spending all dat time n effort...n yet this person so easily can betray me...so easily can spill my secrets out...how long do u think it'll be before this person does d same to u....

dats for u to decide...to those who still got my back...i thank u...i appreciate every one of u...n to those who have no idea wuts going on...dun ask...esp dun ask me...jst accept dat me n this person have gone through a parting of ways..only those who are family noe my reasonings n motifs...n only they have the right to hear it from me...to the rest...its personal n its meant for family only...as rude as it may seem...im sorry...n i apologize to any of u dat got caught up in this unwillingly...

Xcapade and more

well...its been a loooong week i'd say....even though d weeks not over....jst came bk from xcapade on sun nite....it was absolutely amazing....the feeling of d difference between being an eb/faci n being a delegate is totally different...a whole new experience...

last year as a delegate i was struggling to stay awake during sessions...cudnt believe how the facis were doing it then....this year...on d 1st nite...i only slept for like 20 minutes...from6:10am-6:30am....thats it...n yet the next day i was still feeling energetic....probably due to the red bull lah...haha...

but overall it was a great experience...a great time...to see the juniors n noe wut was going on in their heads...to see them actively participating n having fun...it made it all worth it...:)

but there is another thing....xcapade this year marks 1 year since i actively joined AIESEC...it was exactly one year ago that i went to pd...that very same house we were in last weekend...exactly one year ago i met ppl like jim n alif n lia n didi n sakina n foo cheong n audrey....

one year gone by....n from not knowing him at all...jim has become my brother...one of my most trusted people in the world....that has been there for me through d worse of times...n vice versa...

one year gone by...one year since i met the boy alif...n today i see the man he has become...the amount he has grown...still the same old joker...but not the same at all....so much difference...so much growth...

one year gone by....n finally i understand that its not just words when they AIESEC is a life changing experience...im living it...n im seeing it in motion everyday arnd me...

to jim n alif...to one year of hardships and good times together....may we walk into that old sanctuary of ours in pd this time next year to celebrate 2 years of friendship n growth...:D

My Take On Heaven and Hell

disclaimer: this is my blog..n these r my thoughts...if they offend u, im sorry...but if think leaving sum mean comment or death threat is gonna make me change my post..U R WRONG!!so piss off.


this is my take on heaven and hell...honestly think abt it...who wud b dumb enough to take on God rite?realize also that catholics refer to to lucifer as the fallen angel..not the devil...so y is this?here is what i think....

one day, God came to lucifer...he came to lucifer because he knew among all the angels in heaven, lucifer was the most loyal n devoted of them all...he knew that lucifer would do nething for God n all God had to do was ask it of him...n God knew that of all the angels, lucifer was the only who had the strength to do this upcoming task..

so God says to lucifer "Lucifer, i need to put the delinquents from earth sum where...i cant let them into heaven because it would disrupt the eternal peace promised to the good people from earth...but i cannot simply place them anywhere because they mite rise against me."

to which lucifer replies "then God, what would u have me do?"

God looks at lucifer with pain in his eyes and says "Lucifer, i noe u r loyal to me...more than any other angel here. so i ask of u this...take ur most trusted generals and plot an uprising against me..fail in that upraising. the result will be that u will be banished to a place called hell..there, u and ur generals will rule the delinquents and ensure that heaven stays peaceful. can u do this for me?"

"Yes." replies lucifer...knowing that for his loyalty, not only him, but all of his most trusted generals were being banished from heaven...

so thay plotted and carried out Gods plans....they failed in the uprising as planned and were banished to hell...there they sat n ruled for many generations...until one day....

a man came down to hell...lucifer had heard of him...God had told lucifer of this man...this man walked into hell with a group of soldiers...he did wut no one had ever done before...he challenged lucifer...n there was war...a war which lucifer lost...his generals thrown down...n this new man took the throne of hell with his overlords...n he gives himself the title of "The Devil".

then quietly, he tells lucifer "God sent me from earth...he said u have suffered enough for him. the time has come for u to return to heaven n take ur place beside him. u,the most loyal of all his angels, will be rewarded beyond ur imagination. go now n take ur generals with u. go home to where u belong. hell is mine to watch over now."

lucifer looked surprised. he did not noe wut to say. finally he said "thank u. returning to heaven is already a reward beyond my imagination, i dont need another reward." he then took his generals n returned to heaven, to God with his arms opened wide to receive them.

every few generations...God picks a mortal...he makes that mortal go through hell on earth..n he shows the mortal the path to finding his own generals....so that when the mortal crosses over, he can walk into hell n relieve the current devil of his duties. to tell the devil that it was his time to carry on his journey n go to up to heaven to take his place beside God..n then the mortal will sit on the throne of hell with his overlords and wait for his replacement to arrive...

i have seen hell on earth...i have walked through the fires...and i have found my gernerals...u noe who u r....together we have been chosen...now u noe wut awaits u...do u have the strength to follow through?do u have the strength to carry out Gods wishes?search urself n search ur soul and u will find the answer..

Potong Stim

i went yum cha wv aaron,mich n ruben last nite....n then after dat a while wv varun....it was really good....good for clearing my head n all dat shit....but dats not d point of this post...this post is to tell all a typical case of potong stim mich n i experienced yest on our way home....

driving bk from 9th klj....we passed a mercSLK200....absolutely amazing car...beautiful....seriously....suffice to say it soon over took us....but i did my best to keep up with it...n followed it all the way up the hill till it turned into pantai panaroma....seeing dat car...d design...d way it moved n wove in n out of traffic on d road....absolutely amazing...

but d dream ended when it turned into panaroma n i had to keep driving straight....only to get stuck behind a bmw 3 series....now...on any normal day dat 3 series would have looked damn nice....but in contrast with the heavenly SLK200 i had been following...d 3 sereies now looked like some 40 year old beaten up piece of junk dat shudnt even be on d road....seriously....damn contrast wei.....

another car added to my list of dream cars....fairlady....bentley from the longest yard...n now d merc SLK200....damn.....thank god im doing actuarial science n mite actually b able to own oat least one if not all of the cars mentioned above...hehe

Pain

i thought i was getting better...guess i just deceived myself....had 3 midsems this past week ending today....for a while i had sum control....i focused all my energy on my exams...n briefly d pain vanished....not completely....but it was a mere shadow of its true self...

n today my exams ended....i was alleviated....for a moment...n then...jst as d joy of finishing my exams was taking over....i felt it again....a stabbing pain...rite in my heart....or...wuts left of my heart anyway....jst pain...pure unadulterated pain....worse than the pain of death itself...

i dunno wut to do....it feels wrong that she shud bear the burden of losing a fren just cz i fell for her...i wish i cud talk to her again....go bk to d way things were....but sum how...sum where along the line...i jst forgot how to be jst a fren to her...i really dunno wut to do....

History Repeats Itself

here i am....1 year 5 months and 24 days since i was last in this state....my heart broken into a million pieces....n it took me forever to put the pieces back together...n even after dat...after all d pain n agony...all i had was a heart of stone...slowly n steadily....it morphed itself bk into a normal heart....

n then came along a girl....a girl that made me feel like all those long years ago...feel alive again...feel like she is worth it....u noe dat girl...d one where u dun care if u make a fool of urself in front our frens....jst as long as u can get her...its all worth it...d one dat makes u smile jst thinking of her...

n i like a fool...fell for her....n i fell hard...could i help it?no...i cud not...as aaron puts it...im a sentimental old fool....i put it all out there...i tried to woo her...n for a moment...a brief moment...it seemed like it was working....like i was getting sum where...i felt so strongly for her...n there mite jst b this one slim chance she mite actually feel the same way too....

then....all of a sudden...out of nowhere....i din even see it coming..."he is jst a fren"....one sentence....one simple phrase...n all the hopes n dreams...all crushed n destroyed....but this was it...did i mention i havent felt this way since my ex?well...that's that i guess....with one sentence....my heart broke....bk into a million pieces...bk to d way it was when i was forced to do wut i did....

now d question is...can i put myself bk together?do i actually have d strength?n if i can n i do have the strength, will i be once again left with a heart of stone?cz if dat is d case...i noe i dun have d strength to morph it bk to a normal heart....but then...will i even b able to put myself together again?every time i c her....my heart jst crumbles....how do u have a platonic friendship with sum1 u feel so strongly about?

Very Touching

well....ferdy sent me this video....found it very touching...so m putting it up here...the song lyrics are below...jst goes to show u noe....god is always there...watching over u....hurting at ur pain...but when u need him d most...he's there for u...n he'll take everything for u...u jst gotta reach out for him...

Lifehouse - Everything

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Home Again

finally....after such a long time....actually....it jst been abt 5 weeks....but it feels like sooooo much longer....so long since i came bk home....to where i belong....where all the troubles in my life jst fade away....no aiesec....no exams....no datelines....no girl troubles....nothing...jst blissful peace....

its really become a luxury coming home...these days im soo busy i really dunno when the next time ill b able to come again is....probably when it all gets too much again....when im close to breaking...then ill jst leave it all n come home....jst a few days of peace and serenity....

went with my mum to the school play last nite....for those who havent watched it....its quite good actually...the play is entitled hercules....but hades is d main guy....hades makes the whole play really worth watching...

today im going out with jill and aaron....jst a simple day to chill...mite even meet eelin n her new boy....hehe...that should be quite interesting....no...dat is not jealousy in my voice...im happy for her...but i mean lets face it...im a guy....i do hv SOME ego u noe...not much...but still...some...lol

n then tmr....tmr is the dreaded day....bk to kl....bk to aiesec...bk to exams n datelines...bk to girl troubles....bk to all dat mayhem and chaos....i guess its jst a preparation for d coming stages of my life....

ah well...if there is one thing i've learnt in the past weeks...its to savor the good times....make it last as long as possible...n brace for the bad times....enjoy the calm before the storm...for there is always a storm that is waiting for u arnd the horizon....

over n out.

Court Therapy

court always makes things abit clearer...not crystal clear....but jst a lil clearer...

what m i to u?
d o i actually mean smth to u?
or m i jst smth u hv arnd
when u need sum attention?

what m i to u?
i need to noe
i cant go on like this..

i gv u attention when u want it...
i put myself out there...
but yet..

u sit there
play ur games
sometimes ur interested
n other times ur not..

what m i to u?
the ball is in ur court now...

The Price of Loyalty

had a long chat with one of my brothers the other day....n only then i realized he isnt so different from me....the one thing dat really connects us is our sense of loyalty....yes...to those who have so little faith in me...loayalty is one of the most important things in my life....but it comes at a price...n from a price as well...

as put by my sis...i care too much....lets put it this way...i care not for the world outside and wut goes on...who kills who...who is at war with who....who wins wut elections....those are all such insignificant things that i do not care about...

but to those who r close to me...i care too much....i care so much for them that their problems and burdens become my problems and burdens...their joy is my joy...their tears are my failings...and its worse when i have to do things that add to their problems...

this leads to loyalty....undivided...to the death loyalty....n dat loyalty drives me to do things i wud ordinarily choose not to do...but i end up doing it anyway...not cz i want to...but cz i have to...cz of loyalty...not too long ago...due to sum loyalties...i was crushed and oppressed...to the point i lost control and engaged in violence i have not engaged in in over 9 years....

d road to hell is paved with good intentions they say....my road to hell is paved by my loyalties and the lengths i go through to keep them...yes...i m going to hell...i noe this for a fact...i believe in God...i noe God has sum plan for me...n that i mite eventually be allowed in Gods graces...but my path to that is through the fires of hell...

kind of puts a new twist to telling a girl "i'll love even after death"....cz dat wud b a lie wudnt it?how can i love sum1 if they go to heaven n im going to hell is there...?

loyalties....its a blessing and at the same time a curse...unless u have suffered under the same pain...u have no idea how i feel at this point....no idea how much pain it is to have to see all that is happening arnd me n not b able to do nething...no idea how suffocating it is to love n not b able to say it out loud simply because of a thing sum ppl view so insignificantly called LOYALTY

"through the fires of hell i shall walk,
if this be the path chosen for me,
then give me the grace to carry,
the burden on my shoulder.

through the fires of hell i shall walk,
if this be the path chosen for me,
then give me the gift of soldiers,
who r loyal to me,
n who know the price i've paid,
n who know why i walk this path.

through the fires of hell i shall walk,
if this be the path chosen for me,
then give me Your embrace,
so that i may know all is not in vain."

Uni?Holiday?

bloody hell...i noe i noe...i've been neglecting my poor poor blog....but its not out of choice...i jst havent had d bloody time...i mean lets face it...i din even have time to go to class let alone update my blog....yeah....u guessed it...aiesec has kept me dat busy....forever on d go...

i was on d go for so long dat finally my body told me it cant take it nemore....n decided to force me to slow down....how?it got itself sick...been down with sore throat n fever for a couple of days adi...today was d worst....couldnt even get out of bed...so jst lay in bed d whole day...recovering...

i missed a lot of my 1st 2 weeks of classes...n before i knew it...im stepping into the 4th week of uni...n guess wut??i've got a freaking TEST on wednesday....bloody hell...this sem...this year...its a whole different ball game man....

so d question is...will i b able to do it again?will i be able to pull of another miraculous 4.0 this sem?i hope so...i really do....cz i need jst 1 more 4.0 to get my CGPA to reach that ever elusive 4.0....praying really hard...really gotta up my game this sem....

guess that kinda screws up my chances at having a social life or even thinking abt getting or going after any girl this sem....ah well....there'll b time for that when i grad i suppose...xcept dats wut my sis used to tell herself as well...then she told me that it wasnt dat simple...aih....

yeah...i realized im rambling again...its a side effect of a mixutre of panadol,water and whisky...yeah...whisky....my dentist fren told me it works...so im trying it out..lol

Its Been Ages

n indeed it has...the 1st week of sem jst ended....but it feels like much much longer than 1 week...i mean...i've been out of d house before 10am everyday n only get bk home arnd 1am....dat went on since monday till thursday....wut was i doing out so late?simple...AIESEC...its a busy busy busy time rite now for us cz of all d planning...but i suppose its a must...better to suffer now n have a proper structured year plan to follow...which means d rest of d year will b easier...as opposed to relaxing now n suffering later cz we dun have any guidelines to follow...

yest...i self proclaimed it a holiday....nth aiesec...no classes...i jst slept...n in the evening i went out wv my bro for sum pool n beer...jst plain relaxation....

n today...its back to d madness....but i cant say i dun enjoy it...like aaron mentioned...i do enjoy it..granted its tiring as hell....but its kinda fun....like today i'll b going to pick up 2 dutch ambassadors....i mean...meeting new ppl is always fun rite?n even in d eb n mt...slowly...steadily...everyone is starting to get used to each other i think....yeah...i realized im rambling again....so i shall jst stop here...

adios amigos

Excitement

yes....i was down....i was sad...i was blue...i was depressed...i was wut ever lah...but its all over...over jst a few hours ago....at a point when suddenly none of those small things mattered anymore....u noe y....1 point of realization....

after 7 weeks of hard work....of literally sitting in front of my computer day in n day out...of driving rakawi practically mad with useless questions...after drowning myself in html n css codes..which by the way...i knew absolutely NOTHING abt before this....after losing my mind countless times due to IE being stubborn.....after going through theme after theme n editting colours n banners n branding sizes....n all that shit...after everything....its done...

www.aiesecum.com


dis is it...its finally up n running...i swear to god when it hit me that everything was up...that there wasnt a single page that sed "page under construction"...that it was done...i was sooooo freaking happy there were tears of joy streaming down my cheeks wei.....damn sentimental...

i really really wanna thank rakawi for everything he has done for me...for having thought me things relentlessly.....for being patient with me....thank u sooooo very much....

i wanna thank rene tan for giving me this chance....seriously...u showed a lot of faith in me by approving a rm150 a year expenditure...knowing that i knew nxt to nth abt web design...u still gave me the chance...n it seriously means sooo much to me u have no idea....n yes...i promise to hook up d site wv nuffnang n adsense as soon s a lil more traffic starts coming its way...

lastly...jst thank u to everyone who played a part in this...no matter how small....even if it was merely pointing out that 2 colours din match or it was the worng branding...jst any feedback at all...thank u soo much because all ur feedback made this possible...thank u!!!!:D

The Paradox Of Our Time

its written by George Carlin.....i've seen it a couple of times in different places....n have come to realize how absolutely true it is....

The paradox of our times in history is that

we have taller buildings but shorter tempers,

wider freeways but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less.

We buy more, buy enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families,

more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense,

more knowledge, but less judgment,

more experts, yet more problems.

More medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,

watch TV too much and pray seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living but not a life.

We've added years to life, but not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a neighbour.

We conquered outerspace but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not lesser things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less.

We plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies than ever, but communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion,

big men and small character,

steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of quick trips, disposable diapers, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

Remember, spend more time with your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it.

A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

Let your feelings out for they won't know how you feel if you keep them inside

A Wake Up Call

damn....its been ages since i updated this blog hasnt it.....well....d bulk of d time since then was spent at natcon in utm....which was absolutely amazing...met a lot of new ppl....bumped into a lot of old frens...learnt loads of things....i really thank the OCs and the MCs....before this i cud nvr truly grasp the whole "global" part of AIESEC...i mean i knew it was global n all...but the way they presented it at natcon made it more realistic....learnt loads of other stuff...which also means i got loads of work to do....sigh....

n yesterday...after doing sum stuff that mite b considered to b not so smart...n clearing up that whole thing....god kinda gave me a wake up call....was walking near kota raya to go to pudu...looked down for a while cz the pavement was uneven n i din wanna trip n fall....jst as i was bringing my head up to look straight....

BANG!!!!

my head smacked straight into a wall...my glasses broke n fell to d floor...i bent down to pick my glasses up n suddenly realized there was blood trickling everywhere....panicked...i ran to d McDs n started to wash d blood off...when it wouldnt stop bleeding...i called jim n alif....alif came n fetched me n took me to UM students clinic....

they shaved part of my head....put 4 stitches on the wound n sed i was good to go....unfortunately i din bring bk my data cable...else i would have put all my gory images up....thank u sooo much to jim n alif who were there to help me out....n thanks to all those who sent me msges last nite asking how i was doing....:)

Finally

so after seeing it on paper for 1 year....after talking abt it...n going to numerous different places n meeting different artist...n getting different quotations....i went to penang on thurs n FINALLY got it done....

the instrument of pain

now d 1st question anybody asks me is always "pain ah?"....well...think abt it...u got dat machine up there where the needle is moving in n out n pricking ur skin at abt 20-30 pricks per second...yeah....dats how fast it is....n yeah...there is a certain amount of pain....but its really not dat bad....esp once u get used to it...

kean doing d tattoo for me n varun camhoring

now d guy who did my tattoo for me...his name is kean....n he is absolutely amazing...his artwork is great....he is a really nice guy....really fun....n he kept saying throughout the whole thing "im sorry to hurt u...i dont want to hurt u...but i need to do my job"...it was actually quite funny...hehe...

kean doing his work of art

the whole process took a very long time....went to his place arnd 6pm...he went out n photostated d design in different sizes....then we picked which size for each of the 4 parts...then he started to stencil all the parts...by the time he finished stenciling n was going to start work it was already arnd 745pm....the 1st part, which is my name in old english took a whopping 3 hours to complete....then he finished the rest in slightly over 2 hours...so d total time was abt 5 hours n 15 minutes....not including the stenciling part...

kean n me after d tattoo was complete

honestly speaking...he put in a lot of effort to do this...n it was amazing to see him work...after all dat...he only charged me rm450 for the whole thing...which for d amount of effort he put into it....i think it was more than worth my money...of course part of the reason its not dat expensive as parlors is coz he does it in his bed room...but its still very sterile n safe...

the main part of the tattoo with my religious symbol,name on old english font,name in punjabi n japanese

i am extremely happy with my tattoo....im so glad i finally went n got it done....after seeing on paper for more than 1 year...it feels really great to b able to see it on my skin....its really amazing...n im definitely gonna get more...n im most probabably gonna go bk to kean to get them done...i seriously recommend him to anyone who wants to get a tattoo...:D

my date of birth hidden under my armpits..lol

Home

i m bk in iph...yes...seriously....i have hardly been bk these hols....but now im bk...for a lil while anyway....i jst came bk from kl....1 whole weekend of bday celebrations...

day 1...bro came bk on fri...which was my bday....ferdy was down as well....we went out for sum taugeh chicken....went to a pool place....no seedy girls trying funny stuff...thank god for that....opened a bottle of black label....it was good...then we went home after we finished the bottle....played sum card games that involved a whole lot of drinking...after 2 1/2 years...i was actually completely drunk n gone...slept at abt 5am....n woke up at 630am....

day 2....took a bus down to kl wv ferdy...took him for lunch....n then bought sum supplies...n at nite...we had a booze party...yeah...i din learn my lesson....we had a whole lotta vodka...n to top it off...tequilla shots...there was sum veggies there as well....at the end of the nite...most ppl were stoned....i think abt half were out cold...but overall it was a good nite....

day 3...we woke up...bloody early.....seriously....bathed...then we went out with the girls n d hong kong interns...then the girls took them to klcc while i took ferdy n mich home n we slept...till evening when we went to pick varun n jon up from kl sentral...the dinner..then home again to sleep...

day 4...yesterday....woke up...n the headache of registering for courses started again...its seriously very annoying....seriously...n then went for lunch n to pudu n came bk home....should b here at least till fri nite or sat morning....hehe

23

thats how old i am today....yet sumhow i feel so much older on the inside....although there r times i feel much younger...a year gone by....so much has passed...so much has come to be...n so much left undone...

but it was nevertheless a good year....

a year of mistakes....n of learning....
a year of closure....n new horizons....
a year of moving on.....bt still cherishing the past...

a year of new friends.....new bonds....bonds that wont b broken so easily....
a year of strengthening old bonds....n at d same time breaking sum dat proved to be ill-natured...

23 years of my life has past...n i have so much to celebrate...family...friends...studies...aiesec(yes..partially to be celebrated)...

n wut better time to say this...i noe i usually dont announce it...but 3rd times a charm rite...n considering its d 3rd time in a row i've miraculously pulled out a 4.0 from the hat...i'd say if ur close enough to me...particularly my family...u've somehow earned urself a treat...ur jst gonna have to wait till my loan comes in...

as for d rest that aren't my family...sorry...pray i get it 4 times in row n u mite jst get lucky...lol...n u can call me a cheap ass all u want...it aint gonna make any difference wut so ever...:P

i guess thats all for now...time to go enjoy my day!!:D

Busy Busy Busy

its been ages since i updated my blog hasnt it??well....cant really be helped...went to penang the day after my last post....spent d day with ferdy....it was great seeing him again...as it always is...then met up with laygeen,nadine n von....went for dinner....then went to watch pirates3....

the next day we started the camp...which went on from sun till tues....the camp was great...met a lot of cool ppl....easy going....made frens....but dats not all...it was an eye-opener...a lot of things mentioned at the camp i had nvr thought abt until then....

then i stayed on for 2 days in penang....spent sum quality time wv ferdy...jst got to chill....but he din have active internet there...else i probably wud have blogged then...got bk from penang on thursday....n on fri i drove my parents down to kl so they could take their flight to medan...been running arnd in kl till yest when i came bk....

a lot happened in kl....good things...bad things...this where the bitching comes in....sum ppl need to learn to mind their own business....i do not meddle in other ppls affairs until im asked to meddle in by the parties involved...n as such....i do not take too kindly to ppl meddling in my affairs....im a loyal fren n have frens who r loyal to me...when u speak against me...the walls have ears...remeber that....n its not always the most obvious person who u think will tell dat tells me...so be warned....meddle in my affairs again...n u wont b spared so easily...

Kuching

wow....i've been up n about running arnd all over the place....my latest stop was kuching....bk in iph now for a day or 2 n tmr im off to penang for a week...

so...kuching.....i havent been there for 2 1/2 years....a lot has changed since i last went bk...but d food is still the same...kolo mee....kampua mee....salad chicken rice....true sarawak laksa....absolutely amazing....

but at d same time...i realized that i probably wont b going bk anytime soon....1 week there...i met a lot of my old frens there...n sumhow...i think i dun have much connection with them anymore...they have walked a different path then me together...n i walked a completely different path all by myself...sigh....its funny how much death,despair n destruction can change the path u walk on....ppl there r still shielded from the bad bad world out there...in sum funny way...im happy for them...

neways.....tmr i leave for penang for a camp n to c FERDY!!!!!woooohoooo!!!!i miss him...i cant help myself...lol...its a welcome from d busy busyness from aiesec n website n stuff...granted the camp in penang is an aiesec camp lah...but still...it'll b more fun than sitting at d com trying to figure shit out...lol...

well....dats all for now...more updates when i get bk....hehe....ciaoz...

A Mixture of Things

well...its been quite sum time since i last posted sumthing up here...been quite bz...came bk from iph....realized dat d only things i truly miss in ipoh is my parents n my home....other than dat...there aint much left for me there...its been a week of realizations for me i think...realized things i din before...learnt stuff abt myself...jst lil things...lil things that seem easier to accept after all the other strings that were keeping me down were cut loose...

one of th main things i realized is that i have a 2nd degree family that sumhow squeezed its way up the list of my priorities...i mean...d top will always be my true family(ie mum,dad,bro,sis,aaron,varun,jim,ruben,ferdy,mich).....d 2nd was friends...which has kinda been bumped to 3rd place n now shares the same amount of priority as studies n aiesec....

so wut is this 2nd degree family im talking abt?they're basicly friends...jst that they have seen me through a lot...more than any of my friends have...but not nearly as much as my family has....so they're kinda in between...but each of their friendships has taught me alot in my life...n i cherish these friendships a lot....in case ur wondering...the ppl i consider my 2nd degree family wud be jill,pinkie,eelin,cheryl,eileng,jason ling,jitvern n yee hui.....so jst thought i'd let u guys noe dat u mean a lot to me...:D

besides that...i've realized i'm a lot more willing to learn stuff n tinker arnd wv things than i ever thought...i mean...being aiesec um's supposed "tech geek"...i was supposed to set up a website n stuff....been working on it...its still in d early stages....but d more i work on it...d more i wanna learn abt wut makes it tick...d more i wanna tinker wv it n change it...its kinda cool....hehe

n finally...dat im happy...jst d way i am...i can actually wake up everyday now not fret abt d past or d future dat much....no more dark morbid thoughts of what if i did dat or what if i do dat...its kinda refreshing...waking up each day...giving it d best i've got...n jst being happy...im a happy person...:D

well...i guess dats all for now....:)

p/s: get ur sorry ass bk here NOW angrymedic!!!it needs a whopping im ready to give!

Missing

it was there yesterday....n then...before i knew wut was happening...it was gone...woke up to day n realized it had a much bigger impact on me than i originally thought...so where do i go from here?im feeling lost again....sigh

Tension & Therapy

been having a lot of built up tension lately....nvr had the time to go shoot hoops...or there were nvr enough ppl....jst circumstances...i came bk to ipoh...parents got a cycling machine....so got on it...n started cycling...sure...it had some effect...but not nearly enough effect to help...n then it got me thinking...my sis put d idea in my head first...then i was having a "discussion" wv a fren about how gyms these days r kind of a con job....then she oso put d idea in my head.

so i decided...i need a proper output for my stress n tension...sum place i can let d devil out for short period of times...dat way he mite b more content...mite b easier to deal with stuff....

so...starting nxt sem...which is effectively in july...ill b signing up in one of those gym places...but not for d gym facilities at all....mainly to take up those bodycombat or kickboxing classes they have...i think dats a good effort for me...its can gv me d rite adrenalin push....it can gv me proper output of my tension n my stress...no need to hold bk nething....

on another note...i had a long talk wv my dad n cleared things up....things dat have been working on my mind....n now its all kinda clear...it was not for d reason my dad originally sed....so im kinda free...in a way...im not held by that barrier nemore...my parents will b happy as long as im sure im happy...so its a relieve....it really is....:D

Holidays??

well...since my last post...i've had a few really busy days...that doesnt really make it seem like im on a holiday....well except for the 1st part....so here goes...the past few days in a nutshell....

Booze Party

so on d 2nd of may i had d normal after exams celebrations...i mean...im indian...wut else do u expect except for a booze party rite?only diff is that instead of d normal 8 or 9 ppl...we had a good 15-20 ppl...yeah sure sum of them din drink...but that was like abt less than 5...n only coz they were muslim n cant really drink cz of their religion to begin with...but the fact dat they knew we were gonna booze n still came...made a big diff to me...n i really wanna thank them....mawar...alif...lia...

as usual...we had a few ppl who got drunk...a few punjabis who got drunk n did d completely embarrassing thing of acting gay n all...but hey...to each their own rite...lol...all in all...it was a really good nite...i enjoyed myself...even though jim n i had to refrain from getting drunk or even high for dat matter cz we had to take care of everyone...but d fact that everyone else had a good time...it felt good....i ended up sleeping at 5am....n waking up at 6am coz....

MT Interviews

well...as unbelievable as it still is...i did get into d AIESEC exec board(eb)....n as the eb...we held interview on d 3rd of may to choose our management team(mt)...we had to be in uni by 830am...n hence i was awake by 6am...to make sure dat d ppl who slept over d nite before got up n went home...cz half of d ppl at d booze party either were d interviewers or d ppl dat were gonna get interviewed...lol...but they still managed to come for d interviews in a very sober fashion....very impressed...

d interviews lasted till about 530pm...then we had to sit n decide who we were gonna take in n who we were gonna cut out...n then to plan for the following day...which is d next section...i finally got home n slept arnd 1230am...

Local Committee Planning Meet

basicly this thing called lcpm for short was held d day after d interviews....starting from arnd 8+am....all the way till abt 6+pm...basicly got all d successful applicants for mt together...n intro them to AIESEC n let them bond abit...it was quite fun...although tiring...but still....its all good...n at d same time i was having online transition wv my predecessor...who was telling me wut i need to do n such....so my work started then itself....ah well...which brings me to...

Going bk to Ipoh

finally....after abt 2 1/2 months...i finally came bk to ipoh...so much has changed....all of a sudden ipoh has so many traffic jams...everything is so crowded...even d simple coffee shops that used to be deserted on a saturday nite were packed to d brim....impossible to find parking...it was unbelievable...but still...its home sweet home....finally home...

Afraid of Sleep

as i sed in my previous post...i sum how lost myself this past year in uni...there r so many questions that have flooded my mind...during my exams...d devil in me wanted to come out...i thought it was jst d exams...but now...my exams r over...but the feeling is still there...i close my eyes...n he is there...fighting n struggling to come out....d devil dat ran amok till i was 14...that was finally binded with the help of my parents...now 8 years later...i've lost myself...n he is slowly creeping to d edge....n everytime i close my eyes...everytime i go to sleep...he gets 1 step closer to freeing himself...

i need help...i need to noe wuts wrong...i need to noe how to fix it...n i need to noe soon...b4 i fall bk into d darkness....i dun wan to be d one binded again....

u noe who u r...those who can help me...this is ur time to help me...this is a cry for help....

HELP ME!!!

Freedom

i finally finished my exams last nite....with that ends my exams...as well as my 2nd semester of year 2...which means i have completed 2 years of university...i actually survived....4 year course...at d half way marker now...heck...i survived 2 years...wuts another 2 rite?lol

so i spent most of today jst arranging all my notes into a box...getting my corner of the room into shape...jst stuff that has been left for so long...n then it hit me...im on holiday again...or so it seems...still got a lot of work to do for aiesec...finally got the time...need to set my year plan n go through transition...

but at d same time...there r things to look forward to...its d hols...this sat i go bk to ipoh...soon ferdy will b bk....n aaron...n of course kuching n camps...its d hols...varun will b down in ipoh as well...a lot to look forward to...

yet sum how...sum how im tired...im sick...im lost...smth went amiss sumwhere along the line this year...sumwhere...i dunno where....smth...i dunno wut...sum how..i dunno how...n i'm being hounded by questions that bring about more questions than they answer themselves...sigh...mayb its jst me...but smth is wrong sumwhere inside me....sumhow...i dunno how i let this happen....

ah well...holidays rite?

To Ma Hommies

now i noe dis is actually a love song lah...but sumhow when i hear it...i think of aaron singh...of ruben...of jim...of varun...of michelle...of ferdy...so d nxt time u ppl hear dis song...u noe im thinking of u...:D

"Here By Me"

I hope you’re doing fine out there without me
‘Cause I’m not doing so good without you
The things I thought you’d never know about me
Were the things I guess you always understood

So how could I have been so blind for all these years?
Guess I only see the truth through all this fear,
And living without you…

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

I can’t take another day without you
‘Cause baby, I could never make it on my own
I’ve been waiting so long, just to hold you
And to be back in your arms where I belong

Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
But everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love…

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

As the days grow long I see
That time is standing still for me
When you’re not here

Sorry I can’t always find the words to say
Everything I’ve ever known gets swept away
Inside of your love

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me.

And everything I have in this world
And all that I’ll ever be
It could all fall down around me.
Just as long as I have you,
Right here by me

love u guys man...really do from d bottom of my heart...thanx for everything ppl...

Gloomy Day

dats pretty much wut it looks like outside my window....d gloominess i mean...sigh...its such a gloomy day....n its making me even gloomier...so lazy to do my work...its d kinda day u jst wanna curl up n bed n stay there....

but i cant...got exam on fri n sat....n today is tues....fri paper 90% done already so thats all good...

but sats paper...basic electronics....oh my god...so many things....this current n that voltage...wut in gods green earth possessed me to take this subject??learning abt current saturation till even my brain got saturated..sigh...

i hate gloomy days....i hate exams....i hate slumps....i hate that my friends have problems n i cant help them....its jst a gloomy day making me hate everything from the dark clouds to where i m in my life rite now...

did i mention i hate gloomy days??

Half Time

WOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!yes...im a happy happy camper....well...at least i will b until tmr morn when i wake up n realize i pissed away 2 days that could have been used to study for my exams that r at d end of dis week...

but neway..i finished 2 of d 5 papers on fri...my worst paper was statistical computing...m pretty sure i shall b able to pass with more than a C...which means ill nvr have to sit for it again or look at java programming in my life again....hence d happiness...:D

so jon was down for the weekend...i havent actually sat down n talked wv him since dec 2004...yeah...that long...he was my head boy bk when i was in form6...he was in a upper 6 while i was in lower 6...but we clicked jst fine...n he stayed real close to me..so he was down...n we went for a movie with him...now..even jst putting varun, jon, mich and I together like dat is already a recipe for laughter...but putting us in a comedy show like wild hogs that was laden with double meanings all over the place....now dats jst god having too much fun....the movie was great...worth every penny...n i had an amazing time wv jon n varun n mich n lay geen n nick n goay...although nick was very blur...but its all good...we still love u nick...n at d end of d nite...i had a tummy ache cz of all dat laughter....dats how much we laughed...:D

ended up coming home at 430am...then yest went for lunch n then to a tattoo shop...nope...din get it done...yet...but found out its gonna cost me an easy rm300-500..on the other hand..bro invited me to go thailand with his frens at d end of june...so mite jst get it done there...since its much cheaper there...

wut else is there...having a slight case of split personality today...the bloody devil in me has been kept under lock n bars for abit too long n is revolting...he wants to come out n play...n with all the things my mind has gone through lately...its a little weak...n d devil is wasting no time in trying to get out...but im still sane...i think...lol...

well...thats all for now...b good...take care...n shall b bk when i have smth to blog abt...lol

Memories

ever wake up one morning n sud feel ur whole life press upon u like a giant wave....all the memories....all the sweet moments...all the sadness....the pain....everything....like a torrent of emotions...a giant wave...n u dun noe if u shud b happy or sad...

ur mood fluctuates so fast its not funny....1 sec a happy memory comes n ur on top of d world...d nxt a painful memory comes n ur fighting bk d tears...yes...to those of u who think u noe me...there r tears in my past...n there is pain as well...despite the happy-go-lucky person u c walking down the street...but i keep it all locked inside n hidden away...

until 1 fine day...like today...the dam jst breaks....n everything is let out....so i slowly push everything bk into the deepest corners n start to build up d damn...leaving out only the happy memories...n hope to collect more happy memories...so that the next time d damn breaks....mayb...jst mayb...ill have more happy thoughts then painful thoughts...

a friends blog mentioned abt "when was the last time i was happy"...not to me personally...but jst generally...n its true...i cant pin point a specific time frame....but there r many moments of happiness...such as when im out with the guys jst chillin....when i help a fren througha difficult time...when everyone is together n enjoying themselves...

life is not defined by the number of breaths u take my dear friend...it is defined by the number of moments that take ur breath away...n thanks to u...n many others...im blessed in those moments....n i gain more n more of those moments every day...

Music With Powerful Lyrics

2 songs i'm kinda addicted to rite now...really like them not only cz of d tune but also cz d lyrics r really nice,powerful n meaningful...

d 1st is Linkin Park - What I've Done

In this farewell,
There is no blood,
There is no alibi,
Cause I’ve drawn regret,
From the truth,
Of a thousands lies,
So let mercy come and wash away…

What I’ve Done,
I’ll face myself,
To cross out what I’ve become,
Erase myself,
And let go of what I’ve done…

Put to rest,
What you thought of me
While, I clean this slate,
With the hands,
Of uncertainty,
So let mercy come,
And wash away…

What I’ve Done,
I’ll face myself,
To cross out what I’ve become,
Erase myself,
And let go of what I’ve done…

For what I’ve done,
I start again,
And whatever pain may come,
Today this ends,
I’m forgiving what I’ve done…

I’ll face myself,
To cross out what I’ve become,
Erase myself,
And let go of what I’ve done…

(Na,Na,Na) [Mike Shinoda!]

What I’ve Done,
What I’ve Done,
Forgiving what I’ve done…

and d 2nd is Good Charlotte - The River

As I walk through the valley
of the shadow of LA
The footsteps that were next to me
have gone their separate ways
I've seen enough now
to know that beautiful things
don't always stay that way
I've done enough now
to know this beautiful place
isn't everything they say

I heard that evil comes disguised
Like a city of angels
I'm walking towards the light

Baptized in the river
I've seen a vision of my life
And I wanna be delivered
In the city was a sinner
I've done a lot of things wrong
But I swear I'm a believer
Like the prodigal son
I was out on my own
Now I'm trying to find my way back home
Baptized in the river
I'm delivered
I'm delivered

[M.Shadows:]
You're from a small town
You're gonna grow up fast
underneath these lights
Down in Hollywood
on the boulevard the dead come back to life
To the praying Mother
And the worried Father
Let your children go
If they come back
They'll come home stronger
And if they don't you'll know

They say that evil comes disguised
Like a city of angels
I'm walking towards the light

Baptized in the river
I've seen a vision of my life
And I wanna be delivered
In the city was a sinner
I've done a lot of things wrong
But I swear I'm a believer
Like the prodigal son
I was out on my own
Now I'm trying to find my way back home
Baptized in the river
I'm delivered
I'm delivered

Baptized in the river (on my own)
Baptized in the river (on my own)
I wanna be delivered
(on my own, on my own)
Baptized in the river (on my own)
I wanna be delivered
Baptized in the river (on my own)
I wanna be delivered
Baptized in the river (on my own)
I wanna be delivered
I confess I'm a sinner
I've seen a vision of my life
And I wanna be delivered!

shud gv them a listen...really nice...:D