in n out of consciousness....
in n out of sanity....
in n out of depression....
my mind is a wreck....
my life is a mess....
one minute i'm fine n happy....d next thing i know i'm down n gloomy....
i don't know how much fight i have left in me...sometimes it just seems so much easier to give in to it all....to give up on everything...love, life...just everything.....
i'm sick of crawling on the edges between light n dark....
sick of my mind playing games on me....
sick of facing people....
sick of wearing a stupid mask....
the things that used to be a comfort to me somehow no longer are a comfort...
i shy away from friends....afraid of myself n how i might screw myself over again....
i shy away from family....afraid that i'll be seen as just annoying.....
i shy away from alcohol....afraid of the nightmares it may bring....
i shy away from myself....afraid of my mind n its games....
i shy away from society....afraid that i may end up a shadow among the crowd like d rest of them....
i shy away from life....afraid of what pain it has in store for me next....
the walls are closing in....n the lights are getting dimmer....
how much more fight i have left in me i do not know....
i pray for strength....
i pray for courage....
i pray for faith....
i pray my prayers are answered....for if not...then there is nothing left to fight for....
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
FREEDOM!!!!....and a job!!!
thats rite baby!!!!IM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!whoop-ti-do!!!*starts doing back flips*
i've been slogging so long for these exams it aint funny man.....n im so happy they r over...whether or not i do well this sem...i dont noe...n really dun care nemore...the subjects were murderous n the papers were even more so...now its all in gods hands....im gonna sit bk n enjoy me hols....
i started my hols wv a job.....thats rite ppl...I worked!!unbelievable?believe it...
it was a part time facilitating job....a program done by a group of trainers from learning@vantage for GlaxoSmithKlein for their team building n leadership...it was held in A'Famosa resort...n it was great!!!!
as a faci...my work was actually very minimal...we jst acted as a support for the trainers...help them to do little things here n there...run here n there...but we were left quite free....i managed to learn loads from the games they played and the sessions they had for the GSK employees...it has to be one of the best jobs i've ever heard of....
we got to stay in the A'Famosa Resort....the room was beautiful...with a view of the hills....the food was pretty good....hotel style buffet breakfast n lunch everyday....1st nite was an opening dinner buffet style with free flow booze...
the second nite was amazing....GSK had bought us ticket to enter the Cowboy Town.....we had a buffet dinner there where there was free flow beer....we even got to go watch the parade n fireworks....they even paid for us to watch the 4d haunted house show....
COST
abt rm100 for my toll n petrol to drive there n back as well as my 3 days energy running here n there.
INCOME
shit loads of learning as well as experience of my 1st job...2 nights stay in A'Famosa resort..all those buffet meals n beer...fireworks show n parade tickets....4d haunted house tickets...meeting of new friends...n on top of all that...rm600 facilitators fee n rm200 reimbursement for my costs of driving there n back.
now tell me...isnt dat like one of d best paid jobs a uni student can hope to get???hahahahahaha
i've been slogging so long for these exams it aint funny man.....n im so happy they r over...whether or not i do well this sem...i dont noe...n really dun care nemore...the subjects were murderous n the papers were even more so...now its all in gods hands....im gonna sit bk n enjoy me hols....
i started my hols wv a job.....thats rite ppl...I worked!!unbelievable?believe it...
it was a part time facilitating job....a program done by a group of trainers from learning@vantage for GlaxoSmithKlein for their team building n leadership...it was held in A'Famosa resort...n it was great!!!!
as a faci...my work was actually very minimal...we jst acted as a support for the trainers...help them to do little things here n there...run here n there...but we were left quite free....i managed to learn loads from the games they played and the sessions they had for the GSK employees...it has to be one of the best jobs i've ever heard of....
we got to stay in the A'Famosa Resort....the room was beautiful...with a view of the hills....the food was pretty good....hotel style buffet breakfast n lunch everyday....1st nite was an opening dinner buffet style with free flow booze...
the second nite was amazing....GSK had bought us ticket to enter the Cowboy Town.....we had a buffet dinner there where there was free flow beer....we even got to go watch the parade n fireworks....they even paid for us to watch the 4d haunted house show....
COST
abt rm100 for my toll n petrol to drive there n back as well as my 3 days energy running here n there.
INCOME
shit loads of learning as well as experience of my 1st job...2 nights stay in A'Famosa resort..all those buffet meals n beer...fireworks show n parade tickets....4d haunted house tickets...meeting of new friends...n on top of all that...rm600 facilitators fee n rm200 reimbursement for my costs of driving there n back.
now tell me...isnt dat like one of d best paid jobs a uni student can hope to get???hahahahahaha
Sunday, November 11, 2007
A Haunting
sleepless nights have been my curse....n when sleep does grace me with its presence...its brings along its good friend nightmare...n not just 1 nightmare that ends...but a whole lot of nightmares that keep going over n over again like a broken record...
lies n deceits...an intricate web that has been woven over time...all to give me hope that was never there...like showing a man the light at the end of the tunnel while keeping him trapped in a cage at the darkest corner of the tunnel....
anger...spite...bitterness....depression....all the different heads of the monster called failure...the monster whose only weapon is lies n deceit...n who feeds on the suffering of the his victims...
the lies....
"ur a great guy"
"any girl would be lucky to have a guy like u"
"no one is unattainable"
all from different mouths...all speaking the same message of hope....
n then....
"ur just a friend"
"ur not my type"
from the same mouths that gave the hope above....
it can only mean one thing then cant it?the words above were lies...deceits...
lies and deceits that will haunt the victim...while he sits in his cage that is constantly shrinking...the light can no longer be seen...all that can be seen is the wave of bitterness n the ocean of spite that threatens to consume him while he is trapped....
with nowhere to run...n nowhere to hide...there is nothing he can do....
so engulfed he is...consumed by all the hatred...n finally...the devil in him awakens...for that is the devils place to thrive...hatred n anger n bitterness n spite are all the allies of the devil...no more place for love or happiness or goodness...
the man is lost...
the devil has awoken n taken over.
lies n deceits...an intricate web that has been woven over time...all to give me hope that was never there...like showing a man the light at the end of the tunnel while keeping him trapped in a cage at the darkest corner of the tunnel....
anger...spite...bitterness....depression....all the different heads of the monster called failure...the monster whose only weapon is lies n deceit...n who feeds on the suffering of the his victims...
the lies....
"ur a great guy"
"any girl would be lucky to have a guy like u"
"no one is unattainable"
all from different mouths...all speaking the same message of hope....
n then....
"ur just a friend"
"ur not my type"
from the same mouths that gave the hope above....
it can only mean one thing then cant it?the words above were lies...deceits...
lies and deceits that will haunt the victim...while he sits in his cage that is constantly shrinking...the light can no longer be seen...all that can be seen is the wave of bitterness n the ocean of spite that threatens to consume him while he is trapped....
with nowhere to run...n nowhere to hide...there is nothing he can do....
so engulfed he is...consumed by all the hatred...n finally...the devil in him awakens...for that is the devils place to thrive...hatred n anger n bitterness n spite are all the allies of the devil...no more place for love or happiness or goodness...
the man is lost...
the devil has awoken n taken over.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Now I'm Done
thats right....
NOW i'm done...
now i'm breaking free...
now its over...its jst soooo over...
no more girls....fullstop...
im locking me heart away once n for all....
its d only way....
i'm done being screwed...
i'm done with all this shit...
its over...
n I"M DONE!!!
NOW i'm done...
now i'm breaking free...
now its over...its jst soooo over...
no more girls....fullstop...
im locking me heart away once n for all....
its d only way....
i'm done being screwed...
i'm done with all this shit...
its over...
n I"M DONE!!!
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Guys Are Pathetic
discalimer : i realize that i AM a guy n this is pretty much shooting
myself in both feet with 1 bullet..but dats d way life is...
now ur probably wondering y im saying guys r pathetic rite?here is d reason...
we're big n tough n macho n all dat crap...put a person in our path that messes with us n poof...they r gone in an instant..we spare them no quarter...we jst tell them to go screw themselves and be on our way...happy as a kid with his lollipop...its all good...we get rid of the ppl that plague us in an instant...quick n efficient...no problems no qualms...simple as A B C...
however....
put a girl into d equation...n everything changes...i dun mean jst any random girl...i mean a girl we have feelings for...the whole equation changes...now...for some god forsaken reason..we jst CANT for the life of us tell her to go screw herself...we WANT to...but we jst CANT(partially cz we secretly want to be the one that screws her...literally of course no figuratively)...n even if we do manage to tell her to go screw herself...sooner or later..we're bk on d same horse again...figuratively speaking of course...coz girls arent horses...
but yeah...we always manage to get ourselves into the same shit over n over again...even if its not d exact same girl dat we're bending over to get screwed by...its d same type of girl...or d same situation...u know...same shit different day kinda scenario...always...n no guy...n i mean NO guy...not even the smoothest players can break away from this...
its jst pathetic...
myself in both feet with 1 bullet..but dats d way life is...
now ur probably wondering y im saying guys r pathetic rite?here is d reason...
we're big n tough n macho n all dat crap...put a person in our path that messes with us n poof...they r gone in an instant..we spare them no quarter...we jst tell them to go screw themselves and be on our way...happy as a kid with his lollipop...its all good...we get rid of the ppl that plague us in an instant...quick n efficient...no problems no qualms...simple as A B C...
however....
put a girl into d equation...n everything changes...i dun mean jst any random girl...i mean a girl we have feelings for...the whole equation changes...now...for some god forsaken reason..we jst CANT for the life of us tell her to go screw herself...we WANT to...but we jst CANT(partially cz we secretly want to be the one that screws her...literally of course no figuratively)...n even if we do manage to tell her to go screw herself...sooner or later..we're bk on d same horse again...figuratively speaking of course...coz girls arent horses...
but yeah...we always manage to get ourselves into the same shit over n over again...even if its not d exact same girl dat we're bending over to get screwed by...its d same type of girl...or d same situation...u know...same shit different day kinda scenario...always...n no guy...n i mean NO guy...not even the smoothest players can break away from this...
its jst pathetic...
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Exams
i hate exams....its like a repetitive cycle of birth n death...u die one day during an exam...only to be born again after that jst to die again in the next exam...its extremely annoying...well...at least for now...IM FREE!!!!
well...that is till next week when my next paper decides to come n haunt me again...like the grim reaper coming for tea...jst dat i dun make tea...well...at least not for the grim reaper...dat wud be like inviting death to stay...
but...until then...i can frolic around like a pansy ass idiot...not dat i m...but im jst saying i could...if i wanted to that is...but instead here i m messing wv my blog....u noe...the usual...adding LINKS...since Angeline complained that i havent linked her here yet...well...now i have...nicely linked her as Sarcastic Angeline...only cz her blogs name is Sarcasm is Beauty...hehe
n tmr is deepavali...or is it the next day?...oh well...smth like dat...basicly its a perfect excuse to drink...n with a party at my sister in laws parents house tmr nite...followed by a party at my cousins house on fri nite...dats a whole lot of drinking!!!wooooo-hooooo!!!!
well....i guess dats all for now....maybe ill tinker more tmr...got a couple of other add-ons suggested by angeline....if i see fit...haha...
tata...:D
well...that is till next week when my next paper decides to come n haunt me again...like the grim reaper coming for tea...jst dat i dun make tea...well...at least not for the grim reaper...dat wud be like inviting death to stay...
but...until then...i can frolic around like a pansy ass idiot...not dat i m...but im jst saying i could...if i wanted to that is...but instead here i m messing wv my blog....u noe...the usual...adding LINKS...since Angeline complained that i havent linked her here yet...well...now i have...nicely linked her as Sarcastic Angeline...only cz her blogs name is Sarcasm is Beauty...hehe
n tmr is deepavali...or is it the next day?...oh well...smth like dat...basicly its a perfect excuse to drink...n with a party at my sister in laws parents house tmr nite...followed by a party at my cousins house on fri nite...dats a whole lot of drinking!!!wooooo-hooooo!!!!
well....i guess dats all for now....maybe ill tinker more tmr...got a couple of other add-ons suggested by angeline....if i see fit...haha...
tata...:D
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