Potong Stim

i went yum cha wv aaron,mich n ruben last nite....n then after dat a while wv varun....it was really good....good for clearing my head n all dat shit....but dats not d point of this post...this post is to tell all a typical case of potong stim mich n i experienced yest on our way home....

driving bk from 9th klj....we passed a mercSLK200....absolutely amazing car...beautiful....seriously....suffice to say it soon over took us....but i did my best to keep up with it...n followed it all the way up the hill till it turned into pantai panaroma....seeing dat car...d design...d way it moved n wove in n out of traffic on d road....absolutely amazing...

but d dream ended when it turned into panaroma n i had to keep driving straight....only to get stuck behind a bmw 3 series....now...on any normal day dat 3 series would have looked damn nice....but in contrast with the heavenly SLK200 i had been following...d 3 sereies now looked like some 40 year old beaten up piece of junk dat shudnt even be on d road....seriously....damn contrast wei.....

another car added to my list of dream cars....fairlady....bentley from the longest yard...n now d merc SLK200....damn.....thank god im doing actuarial science n mite actually b able to own oat least one if not all of the cars mentioned above...hehe

Pain

i thought i was getting better...guess i just deceived myself....had 3 midsems this past week ending today....for a while i had sum control....i focused all my energy on my exams...n briefly d pain vanished....not completely....but it was a mere shadow of its true self...

n today my exams ended....i was alleviated....for a moment...n then...jst as d joy of finishing my exams was taking over....i felt it again....a stabbing pain...rite in my heart....or...wuts left of my heart anyway....jst pain...pure unadulterated pain....worse than the pain of death itself...

i dunno wut to do....it feels wrong that she shud bear the burden of losing a fren just cz i fell for her...i wish i cud talk to her again....go bk to d way things were....but sum how...sum where along the line...i jst forgot how to be jst a fren to her...i really dunno wut to do....

History Repeats Itself

here i am....1 year 5 months and 24 days since i was last in this state....my heart broken into a million pieces....n it took me forever to put the pieces back together...n even after dat...after all d pain n agony...all i had was a heart of stone...slowly n steadily....it morphed itself bk into a normal heart....

n then came along a girl....a girl that made me feel like all those long years ago...feel alive again...feel like she is worth it....u noe dat girl...d one where u dun care if u make a fool of urself in front our frens....jst as long as u can get her...its all worth it...d one dat makes u smile jst thinking of her...

n i like a fool...fell for her....n i fell hard...could i help it?no...i cud not...as aaron puts it...im a sentimental old fool....i put it all out there...i tried to woo her...n for a moment...a brief moment...it seemed like it was working....like i was getting sum where...i felt so strongly for her...n there mite jst b this one slim chance she mite actually feel the same way too....

then....all of a sudden...out of nowhere....i din even see it coming..."he is jst a fren"....one sentence....one simple phrase...n all the hopes n dreams...all crushed n destroyed....but this was it...did i mention i havent felt this way since my ex?well...that's that i guess....with one sentence....my heart broke....bk into a million pieces...bk to d way it was when i was forced to do wut i did....

now d question is...can i put myself bk together?do i actually have d strength?n if i can n i do have the strength, will i be once again left with a heart of stone?cz if dat is d case...i noe i dun have d strength to morph it bk to a normal heart....but then...will i even b able to put myself together again?every time i c her....my heart jst crumbles....how do u have a platonic friendship with sum1 u feel so strongly about?

Very Touching

well....ferdy sent me this video....found it very touching...so m putting it up here...the song lyrics are below...jst goes to show u noe....god is always there...watching over u....hurting at ur pain...but when u need him d most...he's there for u...n he'll take everything for u...u jst gotta reach out for him...

Lifehouse - Everything

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Home Again

finally....after such a long time....actually....it jst been abt 5 weeks....but it feels like sooooo much longer....so long since i came bk home....to where i belong....where all the troubles in my life jst fade away....no aiesec....no exams....no datelines....no girl troubles....nothing...jst blissful peace....

its really become a luxury coming home...these days im soo busy i really dunno when the next time ill b able to come again is....probably when it all gets too much again....when im close to breaking...then ill jst leave it all n come home....jst a few days of peace and serenity....

went with my mum to the school play last nite....for those who havent watched it....its quite good actually...the play is entitled hercules....but hades is d main guy....hades makes the whole play really worth watching...

today im going out with jill and aaron....jst a simple day to chill...mite even meet eelin n her new boy....hehe...that should be quite interesting....no...dat is not jealousy in my voice...im happy for her...but i mean lets face it...im a guy....i do hv SOME ego u noe...not much...but still...some...lol

n then tmr....tmr is the dreaded day....bk to kl....bk to aiesec...bk to exams n datelines...bk to girl troubles....bk to all dat mayhem and chaos....i guess its jst a preparation for d coming stages of my life....

ah well...if there is one thing i've learnt in the past weeks...its to savor the good times....make it last as long as possible...n brace for the bad times....enjoy the calm before the storm...for there is always a storm that is waiting for u arnd the horizon....

over n out.

Court Therapy

court always makes things abit clearer...not crystal clear....but jst a lil clearer...

what m i to u?
d o i actually mean smth to u?
or m i jst smth u hv arnd
when u need sum attention?

what m i to u?
i need to noe
i cant go on like this..

i gv u attention when u want it...
i put myself out there...
but yet..

u sit there
play ur games
sometimes ur interested
n other times ur not..

what m i to u?
the ball is in ur court now...

The Price of Loyalty

had a long chat with one of my brothers the other day....n only then i realized he isnt so different from me....the one thing dat really connects us is our sense of loyalty....yes...to those who have so little faith in me...loayalty is one of the most important things in my life....but it comes at a price...n from a price as well...

as put by my sis...i care too much....lets put it this way...i care not for the world outside and wut goes on...who kills who...who is at war with who....who wins wut elections....those are all such insignificant things that i do not care about...

but to those who r close to me...i care too much....i care so much for them that their problems and burdens become my problems and burdens...their joy is my joy...their tears are my failings...and its worse when i have to do things that add to their problems...

this leads to loyalty....undivided...to the death loyalty....n dat loyalty drives me to do things i wud ordinarily choose not to do...but i end up doing it anyway...not cz i want to...but cz i have to...cz of loyalty...not too long ago...due to sum loyalties...i was crushed and oppressed...to the point i lost control and engaged in violence i have not engaged in in over 9 years....

d road to hell is paved with good intentions they say....my road to hell is paved by my loyalties and the lengths i go through to keep them...yes...i m going to hell...i noe this for a fact...i believe in God...i noe God has sum plan for me...n that i mite eventually be allowed in Gods graces...but my path to that is through the fires of hell...

kind of puts a new twist to telling a girl "i'll love even after death"....cz dat wud b a lie wudnt it?how can i love sum1 if they go to heaven n im going to hell is there...?

loyalties....its a blessing and at the same time a curse...unless u have suffered under the same pain...u have no idea how i feel at this point....no idea how much pain it is to have to see all that is happening arnd me n not b able to do nething...no idea how suffocating it is to love n not b able to say it out loud simply because of a thing sum ppl view so insignificantly called LOYALTY

"through the fires of hell i shall walk,
if this be the path chosen for me,
then give me the grace to carry,
the burden on my shoulder.

through the fires of hell i shall walk,
if this be the path chosen for me,
then give me the gift of soldiers,
who r loyal to me,
n who know the price i've paid,
n who know why i walk this path.

through the fires of hell i shall walk,
if this be the path chosen for me,
then give me Your embrace,
so that i may know all is not in vain."