The Price of Loyalty

had a long chat with one of my brothers the other day....n only then i realized he isnt so different from me....the one thing dat really connects us is our sense of loyalty....yes...to those who have so little faith in me...loayalty is one of the most important things in my life....but it comes at a price...n from a price as well...

as put by my sis...i care too much....lets put it this way...i care not for the world outside and wut goes on...who kills who...who is at war with who....who wins wut elections....those are all such insignificant things that i do not care about...

but to those who r close to me...i care too much....i care so much for them that their problems and burdens become my problems and burdens...their joy is my joy...their tears are my failings...and its worse when i have to do things that add to their problems...

this leads to loyalty....undivided...to the death loyalty....n dat loyalty drives me to do things i wud ordinarily choose not to do...but i end up doing it anyway...not cz i want to...but cz i have to...cz of loyalty...not too long ago...due to sum loyalties...i was crushed and oppressed...to the point i lost control and engaged in violence i have not engaged in in over 9 years....

d road to hell is paved with good intentions they say....my road to hell is paved by my loyalties and the lengths i go through to keep them...yes...i m going to hell...i noe this for a fact...i believe in God...i noe God has sum plan for me...n that i mite eventually be allowed in Gods graces...but my path to that is through the fires of hell...

kind of puts a new twist to telling a girl "i'll love even after death"....cz dat wud b a lie wudnt it?how can i love sum1 if they go to heaven n im going to hell is there...?

loyalties....its a blessing and at the same time a curse...unless u have suffered under the same pain...u have no idea how i feel at this point....no idea how much pain it is to have to see all that is happening arnd me n not b able to do nething...no idea how suffocating it is to love n not b able to say it out loud simply because of a thing sum ppl view so insignificantly called LOYALTY

"through the fires of hell i shall walk,
if this be the path chosen for me,
then give me the grace to carry,
the burden on my shoulder.

through the fires of hell i shall walk,
if this be the path chosen for me,
then give me the gift of soldiers,
who r loyal to me,
n who know the price i've paid,
n who know why i walk this path.

through the fires of hell i shall walk,
if this be the path chosen for me,
then give me Your embrace,
so that i may know all is not in vain."